Let me preface by, yes I am searching for a therapist but having a hard time with insurance at the moment.

Background- I have 3 kids (4, 2, and 7 months). The oldest stopped going to daycare when COVID hit and then I stayed home then because of financial reasons and because I always wanted to be a SAHM. We also moved shortly before the baby was born.

My oldest is absolutely horrible. The way she acts makes me sick to my stomach and is my worst parenting nightmare. She is exactly how I didn’t want my child to act. She is rude, acts like she has never heard the word “no” before, fights about absolutely everything, and doesn’t listen to anything her father or I say. We were trying traditional punishments like timeouts and taking away privileges and offering rewards. Nothing changed so we trying the big little feelings course. I have been super consistent with it and no change. I talked to her doctor and he said this all sounds normal, but if it continues when she starts preschool then we should seek help. She will start preschool in the fall.

So the logical side of me is like “she’s 4. She’s learning. I have to guide her and be patient. She will makes mistakes and I will too” but then the other side of me really dislikes her and is starting to resent her. I cry pretty much everyday because I feel like a horrible mom. I don’t think it’s PPD because I’m sleeping and eating fine, and my baby is an angel. But then all I can think about is how my other two are going to be selfie one day too.

I feel like a horrible mom because of how she behaves and then I feel like a horrible mom because I don’t like her and resent her for making me feel this way and then I’m not the best for my other too. And then I say that and *hate* myself for blaming her but it’s how I feel, so it’s just a cycle. Which I why I’m seeking help but I would just love to hear if anyone else has felt this way about their children.

I love her with all of my being... which is why I need help and I’m trying to separate her from her behavior. Please be kind with any comments. Thank you if you made it this far.