So, my partner and I met in 2018 in January. We fell pregnant in March. We had only known each other for a month and a half and hardly each other. By hardly knew each other meaning, we didn’t know the bad sides of each other.

He’s a Leo so he’s a very loyal, sweet person, but he has a temper. I didn’t know this until he talked back to his beautiful sweet mother (who is honestly the most sweetest lady in the world), I was 13 weeks at the time, I can’t remember what it was about but alarm bells went off in my brain and I was shocked by seeing him lose his shit and I didn’t like it (yell and screaming at his mother, he had a tantrum...). It completely turned me off of him. I told him off and said “don’t speak to your mother like that!”.

Anyway, afterwards we had small arguments that got really, really bad throughout the pregnancy. Obviously being pregnant my hormones were ALL over the place and I was easily triggered by small things. I’m a chill person, sometimes I have control issues (because of my upbringing which I’ll talk about in a sec) which have gotten a lot better over the years, I usually just let things slide now. Nothing is ever really a big deal to me.

Whilst I was pregnant my sex drive took a nose dive, literally felt absolutely dead from the waist down, I never thought about sex, never wanted sex, every time I got touched I got this weird creepy feeling. I just was NOT into it. Which took a toll on my partner because basically our whole relationship revolves around sex when we first got together, we were like rabbits 😒

Anyway, he started getting really agitated about it and saying that that was the reason he would have anger issues because we weren’t having sex. So he was blaming it on me. He also had a weed addiction at the time (he doesn’t smoke anymore) so we had money issues and he just wasn’t pitching in and spending a lot of money on weed. So therefore I started to build resentment towards him for making me feeling crap because I wasn’t giving him sex, and getting annoyed at him for not getting his financial shit together while the whole complaining about never having any money, but he was “stressed from trying to provide for our family” while using our last $20 we had for food one week on a stick of weed 😒.

I fell into the deepest depression while I was pregnant (more so than I have ever felt in my life, and I was seriously thinking about ending my life, many times...).

He never calls me names or belittles me, he makes me feel beautiful every second of the day and wanted... but because of his anger issues, I can’t handle him.

We were supposed to have that fairy tale coming home with the baby stage that everyone dreams about and most have, ( I had a c section and was in hospital for 5 days ), he didn’t clean the house for my baby or I... he would come to hospital everyday and cry because he wanted us home, but when we were ready to come home... he cracked it, he had his mates over at the time and I called telling him that I’m getting discharged and to come and get me... he got shitty, came to the hospital drunk and high and shoved all our stuff into the bags and left down the hallway with the pram leaving me behind, rushing me out of the hospital... I found out later I was supposed to be wheeled out in a wheel chair... I walked the whole way back through the huge hospital out to the car 5 days after a major surgery.

Thinking that a baby would have calmed him down, made it worse. He started throwing things around, not directing it at my baby, but they would fly past his head or near him and I hated it. There has been 3 incidences now when my poor child has had to deal with someone screaming in his face... not directed at him, but at me whilst I was holding him. One time his father and him were arguing (about me because my partner was treating me like shit and his Dad didn’t like it... which is weird because he treat his wife like shit 😑) and my partner had my baby in his lap while HIS father (who is a huge man, was looking over the both of them, yelling and throwing his arms around, resulting in my child crying because he was scared. Many times I’ve been ready to literally PUNCH my partner because of the screaming in my face of stupid shit (like paper work). I feel like yelling and aggressiveness is all my child knows now. My partner has NO chill.

He’s driven erratically with us in the car if we have an argument while we’re driving, scaring me and while our baby is in the back. He’s yelled and screamed in my face, saying I’m the reason he gets angry or i make him angry. He gets tipped off by tiny things like someone being to slow, needing to repeat himself (which was the argument we had today..), if I don’t give him sex, he’ll withdraw from me and sulk all day. We broke up for a year and we got back together in November after our child’s second birthday. He has a really nice streak in his personality which is why I stay I think... he dotes on me, buys me things (which I fucking hate because I’m not a gifts person, it’s not my love language, mine is acts of service like helping me clean etc.), he’s a good father, he’s got this child like humour about him, he’s a great friend and loyal to his circle, tells me how beautiful I am everyday, surprises me, tells me he loves me etc. But he’s just an asshole. I don’t know what to do anymore. We had another argument today about nothing. This is a day to day occurrence. We don’t bicker, we yell and scream. I yell back because I can’t handle people yelling at me otherwise I shut down completely because I feel I have no voice and feel like a child because he talks to me like a child, it’s not what he says but how he says it. And then he gets shitty because I shut down when he yells? Our son watches all of this happen... it happens almost everyday. I’ve told my partner that if there is an issue, take me into a room and we sort it out quietly not in front of our child... he still doesn’t. My child is now scared of his father because of his crazy outbursts. If he raises his voice a little bit, my son comes running to me for safety. My son now yells and screams at me. I don’t know what to do. Mine and my partners up bringing a we’re SO different. He came from a rich family, who’s parents are together, lived in the same house his whole life. but his Dad is an asshole and treats his wife like a child and his wife is VERY submissive, almost ignorant to it now, like she just lets it go, and lets them walk all over her, like “oh well, this is just my life I guess...”, I constantly bring it up to my partner when we argue that I don’t want to end up like her... being talked down to, and having my child talk down to me, there’s no respect... my partners father also repressed him and my partner could never do anything right when he was a child, if he did something wrong when he was learning something new he would get yelled at for doing things wrong... which is really sad because as a child you should be able to do things your way when learning as that’s how you learn in the first place. My childhood, my parents split when I was 2 and was bounced from house to house, from my mother to my father back to my mother who had drug issues, my father and mother are both confessed alcoholics, and I grew up around lots of fighting and drugs and random people around so you can see how aggression would make me shut down. I don’t like it.

We’re both broken people and we can’t fix each other. Our personalities are so different. He likes to go out and be assertive (The Leo in him) and I like to hang back and just chill out and be on my own (I’m a Pisces)... water and fire. He wants to get engaged but I don’t love him to death, I mean I love him but I’m not lost without him if that makes sense? I want to marry someone I can’t see myself being without and brings the best out in me, not the worst... but I want to try and work on this... he’s madly in love with me but I don’t know if he just loves the IDEA of me because I have his child, so he feels like he NEEDS to stay with me?

I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to be with him, but I don’t. He makes me so angry and upset ALL the time, he have good times as well, but we’re more at eachother a throats than anything. What do I do??? We want to look for another place together but I don’t really want to move in with him if this shit is going to keep happening... I don’t want to walk around in eggs shells all the time.