Let me start out by saying that I am not perfect at all. I have been extremely lazy and selfish. I have promised to do things and not delivered. I have made excuses for myself for myself based upon how he has spoken to me. I don't pretend to be an angel.

But I feel that where I am right now, I can't make good choices. Right choices, sure. I sought counseling without my SO's knowledge, desperate to know if I was just being overly sensitive to his words or if his communication was not ok. I was advised to leave. I took the advice and left, taking the kids with me without talking to my SO first. This lack of communication on my part was a huge mistake. A month later I did move back in at his request. For a little while we were just glad to be back together. But now things have gotten worse. There is awkwardness between my family and him and virtually no communication. When they visit, I am forced to choose whether to visit them or stay home with him. If I stay, I fear they'll be hurt. If I go, I'm afraid he'll see that as me choosing them over him (which he feels I have done many times and refuses to see the times where I have chosen him instead). It feels so miserable. And I can't talk to anyone about it. And I want to restore trust bc i have decided to stay and never again leave. But he wants something big to show him I mean business. I don't know what to do. I feel that we need counseling to make it (godly, as the secular counseling did me no good), but as my parents were the ones who recommended counseling, he wants nothing to do with it. I understand his perspective but I don't know what else to do. I have made a mess, and I'm at a loss as to how to clean it up.