Okayyy begin rant...

I’ve been with my boyfriend coming up on 3 years, we lived together with his parents from the start and moved into an apartment together with my best friend (who is also friends with bf) about 5 months ago.

Things with my boyfriend have been super good for a long time and we we’re always very into each other and still get excited to hang out. Lately it’s just not been the same. We have opposite work schedules and don’t see each other much except for weekend nights, and by then he’s been drinking and I’ve been less interested in being around him when he’s drunk. It’s every day and it just really has begun to irritate me. I’ve told him this and I’ve tried many different ways of communicating that I want him to stop. If he can do the social drinking I don’t care but I don’t know if he can. He doesn’t think he has a problem (but they never do).

I used to drink and party with them and we’d always have fun. For many many reasons I’ve cut back but mostly for my mental health. I struggle w depression and anxiety. Drinking helps in the moment but long term it’s just bad for me. And sometimes I can’t control my moods when I drink and I just don’t like to be that person.

Anyway.. recently I’ve been going through the ringer with my mental health and can feel something in me shifting. I stayed out of work a couple days to try and recoup and in the meantime my boyfriend and best friend were out in the kitchen partying and playing card games with friends while I was literally having a mental breakdown alone in my room. Boyfriend came to grab something, sees me in tears and as I’m trying to explain what’s going on he just stops me and goes “I’m going back out there, I’m trying to have fun”. I didn’t ask him to stay with me but as my partner I feel like he should have at least talked to me more and made sure I was stable. That’s what I would have done but idk. Maybe I’m overthinking it but it just doesn’t sit right.

I ended up getting pissed and going for a drive. I drove for about 3 hours and when I came home everyone was still at the house and partying and being loud. At this point it’s 3am and I’ve had enough. I tell the best friend and boyfriend I’m done watching them drink themselves to death. I’m met with silence from the boyfriend and screaming from the best friend that we’re young and now is the time to do it and there’s nothing wrong with it. She also throws out that I’m too sensitive about alcohol because both my parents were drunks (mom is 14 yrs sober and Dad died suddenly 11 yrs ago but was 8 months sober) I told them I felt like my feelings weren’t being considered as I live there and I struggle on and off trying not to drink. My mistake for trying to talk while they were drunk.

I end up just having enough and going to sleep with my headphones and crying. That was the most alone I’ve ever felt. In my own house with two people I love more than anything. I just felt like nobody gave a shit.

In the midst of the stress and confusion I take some space and stay over a friends house. She goes to bed and I hang out with her roommate (male). We end up watching tv and talking and falling asleep together. I’m feeling a little weird about it the next day... nothing happened but I feel like I crossed a line. He ends up texting me for a few days and he and my other friend visit me at work, and I drive him home and we hang out for a few but I went home. I’m in denial at this point but I think I’ve started to like him, and I’m freaked out because he just looks at me and I feel things.

I’m trying to be a good person and not just bail on my relationship because things are rough...

Meanwhile my boyfriend wanted to have a dinner date after work so I head home, cook dinner, and wait for him to get in from work. It was a nice meal but the conversation just felt stagnant. We haven’t talked about the other night. We almost immediately went to bed, he tried to get intimate (which has been incredibly rare) but tonight him touching me makes me sick to my stomach. I tell him I don’t feel good and I go to sleep.

This is where I’m confused. Boyfriend has drinking problem and doesn’t care too much how I feel about it. He says he’s cut back since we got together and I should be happy for that... my friends roommate ALSO has drinking problem but wants to stop. She tells me since we started hanging out he’s cut back and is considering a stay at a detox center. He’s embarrassed but says he feels like he can talk to me about anything. She tells me this is weird for him but great because he doesn’t open up to people, especially people he hasn’t known long.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I do like this guy but I don’t know him yet...he’s just got great energy about him and I feel grounded after I’m around him. At the same time I’m also in this long term relationship and I feel like I’m being completely unfair to my boyfriend. I feel like he doesn’t care about my opinion on his drinking and I’m not sure if he ever will. That’s the deciding factor for me I guess....

I don’t know what I’m expecting for advice I just really need to get this shit out of my head and figure out a plan.

I think I need to take some time and stay at my moms house and also take some time from my friends roommate. I’m in a weird place mentally and I’m scared I’m going to ruin everything if I haven’t already.