This might turn into a bit of a rant.

Backstory: my bf and I have been dating for 4 years, since we were 18, now 22. It has been our intention to get married someday ever since we started dating. We have agreed that we would wait to get engaged until sometime after I receive my bachelors degree (which is in less than 3 months).

I have been crazy about this man. We complement each other very well. He wants to be absolutely ready to support me and take care of me when we get married and we love each other so much. Over the past year my mind has become increasingly more occupied with a wedding, looking at houses for sale on Zillow, Pinterest board -ish. I haven’t actually gone through with any of these plans, it’s just fun to think about it.

It has been hard for me to watch my friends, his friends, and our peers (and social media influencers) get engaged, married, and having kids. I have been trying so hard not compare myself although it still does happen, less frequently though. Side note: we are waiting till marriage to have sex. Although we have engaged in oral. (Yes, we know it is wrong and are actively deciding to refrain from it and other sexual activities). This has also increased my (& our) want to get married because *ahem* ... you can only wait for so long. Dating wasn’t intended to be for a long period of time. But we started dating young and that’s just how it worked out for us. I wouldn’t regret growing up with him for a second.

It dawned on me over the past week as to why my bf is not ready to get married. I caught a glimpse of a side of him that I hadn’t seen before. I realized that he is a lot like me. A college kid that is still working on getting their sh*t together, frankly. ALL OF THIS TIME I thought he kept telling me he wasn’t ready to get married because he was scared or something. But I realized just how much work he has to do in terms of taking care of himself. He’s still a kid like me and I feel so selfish for bugging him about getting married (even when we agreed on doing that after college🤦🏻‍♀️) I do not expect him to be perfect, because I absolutely am not either.

—Okay—

That was me ranting and sorting out my own feelings. That was kind of therapeutic.

Now for the dilemma. I feel like realizing who he really is has turned me off from him, in a way. Maybe this is because I now know and agree that this is NOT the time to get married. We got stuff to do. Yes, I still love him. I find him attractive in every way. But for some reason I can’t kick the feeling that this might mean I’m falling out of love or I want to be single or that if we get married then it wouldn’t work out or something. I know marriage is work but GOSH DARN IT i just want us to be happy and not stressed and live fun life together. Like newlyweds do. I almost feel like we’re an old married couple already. Like it’s gotten boring or something. Idk.

So, uh... help? please??