Cheating and divorce

I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years married for 5 and we have a 6 month old. We’ve had our ups and downs but for the most part we’ve been crazy about each other. 2 years ago I caught him talking to someone, he denied at first but then I followed him and he had met up with her. He still didn’t confess but made up a ridiculous story about why they had met. Anyway I decided to stay. A few months later and I found records of really long phone conversations with another woman. This time I thought ok it’s over but he begged me to stay and apologised heaps which my stupid ass believed. After this I fell pregnant, he was amazing to me and I’m super emotional so when he was being nice I couldn’t help but fall deeper in love and just felt like we were in a much better place. I decided to fully trust him. Then again a few months after, while I am still pregnant he started another relationship. This broke me to my core. I felt like I had lost everything. When I caught him out he was apparently very regretful, he would beg me day and night to stay, fall to my feet, cry, hit himself, so on. Stupid me stayed again. When I did go back to him i was obviously still pissed, emotional, pregnant, hormonal, hurt, etc. so it wasn’t rainbows and unicorns. I would often fight with him and he would just watch in silence and didn’t fight back. And then out of nowhere he just changed. He started having rage episodes where he apparently didn’t remember what he was doing but he would get really angry and start hitting himself. To avoid this I stopped bringing up the past or ever telling him that I’m still hurt about what had happened. It all became about him up until I gave birth. I had a traumatic experience but he was by my side and suddenly so loving again. Slowly that changed again and we became very distant. Now I feel that he hates. I don’t fully trust him obviously, I’m not happy but I really love him which I know is not a good enough reason to stay in a toxic marriage. He doesn’t respect me. Sometimes he would say he loves me but majority of the time he’s very cold. I’ve opened up to him many times but it’s pointless, all he says is “this is the way I am deal with it”. I don’t understand. I went through all that, you begged me to stay and promised that you would gain my trust and make me happy again. And now you treat me like a servant in your house. I just want to know if this a trend in cheating men ? Does he think he can treat me horribly because I’ll “never leave”? Did he fall out of love? In my mind everyday I’m planning my divorce which is really complicated for reasons I won’t get in to but I need to wait at least until the end of the year before I make a move. In the mean time how do I survive? I could ignore him and live my life but I really do love him :( he was my best friend, my soulmate so I can’t stand being in the same room and not talking to him or showing that I love him. It’s what he got me used to and now I literally have withdrawal symptoms if we don’t talk. I hate that I don’t hate him.

And once I do get a divorce, how will that be with a baby? I’ll probably move in with my parents temporarily. I don’t want it to negatively affect my baby now and in the future.

Anyone remotely feel me?