SUPER long post ahead, but advice needed for drama with “the in-laws” 😒...

First, a little back story:

My husband and I have a 2 year old son. My mother-in-law & sister-in-law (as well as every one else in his family) have been super uninvolved in our sons life. But they are the two that are causing us the most problems and drama. For my sons 1st year, they lived 5 minutes down the road, neither had a job, and just sat at home daily (they live together). Couldn’t be bothered to drive down the road to visit their grandson/nephew. Like maybe visited 3 times in that first year, and the other times they saw him were only for events like baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, etc. Which they never put any effort into interacting with him at those either. We don’t go to their house because they have 5 big dogs & 6 cats that they do NOT clean up after & their house is FILTHY. Their dogs literally piss on their couch so before my son was even born, I let it be known that my baby wouldn’t be going over there if she couldn’t clean her house. Also, that year MIL cancelled thanksgiving and Christmas dinner because my husband’s bestfriend & his daughter (who mil claims is like her son & granddaughter but also doesn’t see) weren’t going to be there. She told us they cancelled it, but then we surprise visited on thanksgiving and she, her wife, husbands sister and her husband, were all their cooking and eating. So basically we were just uninvited.

His second year they saw him even less, a lot of it being because of COVID, but she whines to the rest of the family and on Facebook about “missing her grand babies”, so my husband and I offered to do a drive by visit 2-3 different times so she could Atleast just see him and she literally told my husband no, that she wasn’t comfortable with that. The list goes on and on with stupid excuses she’s used not to see our son. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Fast forward to about three weeks ago, before my sons 2nd birthday party.... Planning the party, I wanted it to be safe, so I told husband we were only to invite the grandparents and our siblings. Husband, MIL, and SIL were mad because that excluded husbands aunt and cousins. But I said idc, it’s safer that way. I’m not inviting mine either. So literally less than 15 people would be there total. But MIL told husband that she couldn’t come because she was scared to catch COVID, and didn’t need to be around kids... but a few days later after saying this she and their family threw a large party with about 40 people invited, IN A BAR, for her sisters 50th birthday.... that next weekend was my sons birthday and she was still saying she couldn’t come because of being scared to catch Covid, but said she’d come by at a later date to visit with our son & have dinner for his birthday. So I asked my husband why she was ok with going to that party with 40 ppl then? He just shrugs it off because in his eyes, she does no wrong.

The day of my sons party, he went to pick some stuff up at the store they own and MIL sent a gift with him because “she wanted him to have a gift to open from her at his party”... so I asked husband why she didn’t just come then and he said “well she’s not going to come because Tracy (the aunt) can’t come”... I said I thought it was because she was scared to catch Covid? And he said “it’s a mix of both”.

Another little bit of backstory before I tell this next part: I was close with his family before I got pregnant. As soon as I got pregnant they started butting their ugly heads into places they don’t belong. They tried to take control of how I was going to decorate the nursery. Even after I told them I was doing a bear theme, they bought a bunch of super hero decorations and when I said “as I told you guys already, I am doing a bear theme. Not superhero”... my sil “well mom and I already bought a bunch of superhero stuff”..... like it was their say in what I decorate MY BABY’S nursery in. Then they wanted to throw a baby shower for me and asked what I wanted to decorate it in... I never gave them specifics but sent them Pinterest stuff I liked.. NOTHING remotely close to superhero stuff, but when I got to the shower guess what it was decorated. Yup superhero 😒 which is fine... they were nice enough to throw me a shower and I was thankful. So my mom decided she’d throw me one too so it would be something more suited to my taste, and a good bit of my family wasn’t able to make it to that first one anyways. So at the second shower my mom threw for me, they were invited, and they showed up bringing a bunch of nursery decorations (that didn’t go with my theme) and had onesies made with cuss words and vulgar quotes on them, which I later found out that SIL had made to purposely try and offend my family & piss them off. So you get the idea of how they work... they feel the need to be large & in charge.

Well this past week (after sons party) my husband comes home from work and says “mom wants to know if we can all go to the zoo on the 21st, a sunday, she’ll pay for our way, to make up for missing the party. Can we do that?”

I didn’t want to just straight up say no off the bat so I said “I’ll think about it”. But he kept hounding me asking what was there to think about and why I couldn’t say yes. While I was in the middle of trying to cook dinner, with a pounding migraine, feeling like I was gonna puke... so I finally just said “YES!! if it’ll make you shut up and leave me alone”

This conversation was at dinner time, so late evening. The next morning when we got up I said “I really don’t want to go to the zoo on a Sunday when it’s going to be packed. Can you talk to her about doing it on Monday instead so it won’t be busy, it’ll be safer, and plus their store is closed on Mondays so it seems it’d be easier on everyone”. He said “I’ll talk to her and see” and I was like “see about what? If they really want him to go on the zoo trip they can agree to do it on a Monday instead.” Then I asked him why his mom was so scared to catch Covid that she couldn’t come to his party but not too scared to go to that party and now ok with going to the zoo on a busy day where there will be many crowds and kids? I asked him did that not defeat the purpose of her missing his party? And it also defeats the purpose of the whole argument we had about limiting his bday party and not inviting aunts and cousins. Defeats the whole purpose of making it a small party in a private place so to make sure not to be around a bunch of other people. Again, he just shrugs it off... then says “well we can’t do it that Monday because my district manager will be at work and I have to be there & im already off that Sunday” It’s hard for him to be off on Sundays so I asked how he managed that when he JUST told me the previous night anyways. I feel like these plans were made before talking to me first. Anyways, he says it was a coincidence 🙄 but I say “well we can do it a different Monday then” & he said his mom has already set the date & told everyone that it will be that Sunday, plus his aunt can’t go on mondays so it wouldn’t work because she apparently HAS to be there. I said I think it’s more important to be safe than have his aunt there because it is for our son supposedly anyways. Not his aunt.

He says he’ll talk to his mom & leaves it at that. This was several days ago and he hasn’t mentioned it again so I’m assuming he hasn’t talked to her. Well yesterday my sister in law sent me a Snapchat video with a bunch of diy party decorations they were working on & said “for the zoo party”.... well 1st off no one said anything about throwing a “party”, my husband made it seem like it was just us and his family visiting the zoo. So I’m annoyed also because he’s already had a party. And it’s so stupid & senseless. Another example of them needing to be large and in charge, and throw their own party for MY son, when he’s already had one. Because they couldn’t be in charge of my party. Since they’re not even apart of his life, idk why they even care.

But then I found out that the little girl who is my husband’s bestfriend’s daughter (the one my mil claims is her grandchild but isn’t) is going, her birthday is like 2 weeks after my sons, and they’re doing a “joint” birthday thing for the both of them. So that’s many MANY more people coming than I originally thought.

I do not want to go period, because of Covid. But I’m willing to compromise & atleast do it on a Monday where it isn’t busy but my husband won’t even try to work that out. They’re so hypocritical using the Covid excuse not to show up to his party but then do this. I’m so frustrated because I’m TRULY concerned about Covid and want to be safe, but if I use Covid not to go, it’ll be a fight between my husband and I, as well as his family & they’ll make me out to be bad. But in my husbands eyes it was ok for his family to use that excuse not to come to the party.... I don’t get it. Idk what to do or how to keep it from blowing up.

What do I do?!?!?!

Also if you read ALL of this.. THANK YOU! 💖