My partner & I were ttc.

In February of this year, we conceived. We were overjoyed to add our final baby, but our first together...

A week later I went to my OB, he sent me to the ER.

I was bleeding internally. My tube ruptured. Ectopic.

Emergency partial salpingectomy, my left tube gone in an instant to an ectopic pregnancy so small that the OB couldn't even feel it in my tube.

I lost my baby.

I lost my tube.

And I regained a c-section scar that I had worked so hard to fade. It was an emergency situation, so the Dr cut back into it when he removed my tube.

Now I'm stuck with a permanent reminder of my lost baby.

It's been over a week since surgery.

I've seen pregnancy announcements,

Have friends that are pregnant,

Have friends in labor...

And I'm mourning the baby that I'll never meet,

Feeling guilty that my body couldn't even implant an egg correctly,

Feeling guilty that my prior use of an IUD likely contributed to it,

Feeling like I somehow caused my loss even though sometimes "it just happens".

Everytime I look in the mirror,

Instead of seeing the scar that brought my son to life,

I'll see the one where I lost my baby,

A part of my fertility,

And a good chunk of my self esteem.

I try and stay positive, but every baby thing puts me right back in this mindset. I worked out every day to get my flat stomach back and prepare for our next pregnancy, I didn't plan for it to go how it did. I didn't expect to lose our baby. I wanted this to be like a poem, but I guess it just came out more as abstract thoughts. I just needed to get these feelings out.