I am not proud of today. Lots of back story- scroll down to see the point of the story if you prefer...

BACKSTORY

I drove my daughter 2 hours to visit my Dad and stepmom now that they are fully vaccinated. We had an amazing day and it filled my soul to finally see them get to hold and play with my daughter.

She must have been excited too because she barely drank any of her bottles. I tried one last time before the drive home and she only had 2 oz. I knew she was going to be hungry on the drive home and sure enough, she started crying at the worst part of the drive (in a town I would NEVER pull off the freeway in. Unfortunately as too many of us probably know, being a woman we have to really think about where we feel comfortable stopping, especially now with a baby).

When I finally felt comfortable pulling off the freeway, I tried to feed her and, again, she barely ate. She was too excited to look at everything in the front seat of the car (back seat was full so I had to sit in the front passenger) and outside in this new place. So I put her back in her car seat and as soon as I got into the driver’s seat, she started crying again. I went around to check that her straps weren’t pinching her or anything, all fine. Got back in the driver’s seat- screaming. I was going to try the bottle again, but at this point I had mixed up the two bottles in the front seat so I unscrewed the top and I fumbled it and spilled it everywhere in my car, down the sides of the center console and seats.

We get back on the road and she starts crying again within 15 minutes. We are in an area with no exits for a while so I had to let her cry for about another 10-15 minutes. Again pulled off and she barely wanted to eat. I knew she must have been hungry but I think at that point she just wanted out of the car.

WHY IT WAS THE SCARIEST MOMENT...

The absolute rage I felt was something that I have never experienced before. I was distracted and driving too fast to get to the next place I could pull over. I had worked myself up so much. It was like I could feel my blood coursing through my veins, my chest was tight, and I got dizzy. I would never, ever do anything to hurt my baby girl but I was yelling at her so viciously to stop screaming and felt like I wanted to punch through my car window.

The reaction was 100% unwarranted and I was incapable of taking a breath and helping my daughter feel better. I got home, my husband took her, and I just started bawling.

Last week I weaned off of my PPD medication (under the direction of my doctor) but you can guarantee that I am going back on it as of today. I went on it because I was depressed, without any rage issues, but I have noticed my anger building over the last week. I don’t ever want to experience what I did today and, more importantly, never let my daughter experience that sort of anger again.

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