I’m sure I’m going to get attacked for this but it’s been bottled up for so long and I’m on the verge of truly giving up.

My family was catholic, yet they didn’t push religion on me because they wanted me to love God with my heart and not just because they told me to. My mother and father both make God the center of our life and we have always prayed together, read the Bible together, etc. We rarely went to church though and I didn’t see the problem with it because I worshiped him from my home.

Fast forward I was temporarily put into catholic school because it was the best thing to do for my education. And this is when the most depressing, destructive time frame of my life began. The nuns were EVIL!!!! I don’t even want to get into what they did to me and my family Becuase I know I’m going to get attacked in the comments because it’s always our fault and not the nuns since they are “holy people” I swear to you this nun was so fucking evil. There was a kid who was severely sick and could not go to school and instead of accommodating him and seeing what’s the best course of action, she goes “he’s dying anyways why should we try” THATS what I was surrounded by 24/7. Pure fucking evil. They made religion a living hell. I felt obligated to get closer to the Lord. They clouded my judgement and made me resent religion. I didn’t know much because I didn’t do communion so I was learning the ropes later on in life and I would be mocked and ridiculed because of it. I couldn’t learn the Bible without feeling embarrassed and humiliated. I was pulled out after I told my mom I was severely depressed and couldn’t see a reason for living. I thought God hated me because the nuns hated me.

We strayed away from the Catholic Church because my mother also endured horrible horrible treatment from the nuns, a priest, and other members of the church. In her lowest point of life she went crying to the chapel so desperate for help and the priest refused to see her because he was too tired. Like what the FUCK? So we went to Christian church and all was good. Until bam. JUDGEMENT OVERLOAD!!!!! Everything we did was wrong!! Our way of living is wrong!!! People judge EVERYTHING in life as if they are God himself!!! Like who are you to judge me!!??? You are no perfect either!!! It’s so frustrating!!!

All of this makes me lose sleep at night. I wanted to get closer to the Lord but it strays me away. I know in the end people don’t matter and it’s only between me and God but I can’t help but feel like I’m always messing up and I’m unworthy of getting closer to Him. It feels pointless. I just needed to rant. I’m sure I’m going to get attacked some more now.