I should have seen the red flags at the very beggining. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. Sex with him has always been awful. He was extremely selfish in bed and too proud for being so "gifted". He always thought that him being so "gifted" was more than enough. We had sex when he wanted to, and how he wanted to. I was merely a toy for his pleasure. He never even tried. He would ask me for a blowjob then proceed to put it in, pump pump pump until he orgasms leaving me high and dry. Whenever I adressed the issue, he would assure me that he will do better. And I was naive enough to fall for the same lie for 4 years.

Turns out, my fiance is a severe narcissist (npd). Which is how he managed to manipulate me into believing it's somehow my fault. That I am the one who never tried. I used to love giving blowjobs. Now I hate them, but do them so he won't ask for sex. It's painful having someone give you hope only to let you down constantly.

We never had any passion or chemistry. I thought he would be a good rebound because I lacked any feelings for him. But life happened and I decided we should try to stay in a relationship. So I tried and tried to make things work with him. And I never got those feelings, no matter how hard I tried. Call me a horrible person, but just know I've suffered too much. He has been abusive in all the ways a man can be - physically, emotionally and financially.

We had our first kiss after the first time we had sex. Turns out kissing is not something he likes. By the first time we had sex, I've already given him 10 blowjobs. So... the pattern continued.

We don't kiss. We don't hug. We have no passion for eachother. I can't even remember the last time I've had an orgasm, it's been years.

I get jealous whenever I see someone in love. Someone kissing or even holding hands. And dammit do I miss sex.

I've tried breaking it off countless times already, but the truth is I am scared. What if he is right and I am worthless? What if he is right and no one will ever love me? So with my heart aching I stay.

I want to start a new life. Have a healthy relationship and an amazing sex life.

But I'm scared. I don't know if I deserve that. I just know I don't deserve the abuse anymore. And i know that I'll be happier alone. I guess I'm getting the courage to finally leave him. But I've gotten so used to this that I'm lost. I don't know how to break up with him. I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to hurt myself. I know if I talk to him he will manipulate me into feeling bad about myself and possibly staying. I can't do that again.

I just want to get the courage to finally leave him. I do deserve better. I just don't know how to go about it.

He lives at my house in case it's relevant. We also work together (I'll have to find another job which is hard, but doable).

Can I get some sincere advice? some encouragment? Thank you girls you are the best ❤