It’s been 6 years, how is it that I still remember every. Single. Detail of my miscarriage experience. I still remember the waiting room. Being called back by the technician whose face I still remember exactly. I remember the room, the smell. I remember the ultra sound being done. Seeing my perfect baby. The head, the body, everything about that baby looked perfect. Except Blueberry wasn’t moving. There was no flickering of a heartbeat in Blues chest. I remember the technician saying they would like to switch to a trans vaginal ultra sound. I said “you can’t find the heartbeat”. She looked at me tenderly. I remember going into the changing room to get ready for the ultra sound. Still no heartbeat. “I’m so sorry but it looks like your baby stopped growing at 9 weeks”. I remember going to the hospital for my D&C and asking my doctor what they did with the baby after removing him/her from my body. He said not to worry, that at this point it looks more like hamburger meat. I burst into tears hearing him say that about my sweet baby that I had tried for years conceiving. Hamburger meat. How do I still remember everything, I hate it. I have two other children now but I can’t and won’t ever forget my little Blueberry. I wasn’t excited to be pregnant at the time and I still feel guilty everyday because I feel like my bad energy towards Blue killed him/her. I just had to get that out.