Today as I spent the morning with my 4 year old, I realized how sad it makes me that he won’t be my youngest baby anymore. It makes me mad at myself that I got pregnant again. Like I miss my life when it was just us and our two kids. I feel scared that I won’t like my life once the new baby is here especially with the possible Down syndrome. This pregnancy was my first surprise one and came unexpectedly. Me and hubz had already decided we were just going to leave it at two and be done. And then BOOM. I’m pregnant. I had a very rough beginning, I hated every second of it I considered terminating bc of how sick I was. But I’m actually afraid of abortions tbh. And then SECOND BOOM... my baby might have Down syndrome. It was a hard slap to my face at first. Like I didn’t even want to be pregnant and now I’m pregnant with a baby with DS. Weeks (or months?) later, I came to accept it. I’ve actually been okay for the most part. Hubz and family members are supportive of everything and loves our unborn child so much already. I may seem like I have it all together, but to be completely honest, I still feel sad. I don’t admit it to my husband bc I don’t want to make him feel sad about it or get doubts. But deep down, I still want it to be wrong. I’m hanging on to this tiny bit of hope that my baby will not have DS. And I hate it so much bc I don’t want to feel disappointed when he is born. That’s literally the last thing I want to feel upon my sons arrival. I’m getting closer to EDD and realizing more and more how scared I am. And now he might need surgery on his belly so the odds of him not having DS are pretty low now. I’m just not lookin forward to the rest of this year.