So lately I’ve had like three different types of dreams that all involved my dad either threatening to hit me, or me egging him on to hit me(for whatever reason). Growing up he was verbally abusive here and there then more emotional abuse started then it just got so much worse as I got older to the point he’d gaslight me almost weekly about something that was going on.

I just don’t understand why I’m having these types of dreams because they make me feel even more uncomfortable than I already get with thinking about what he put me through and how I’m still trying to heal from what he did to me.

I haven’t had much to do with him for about two years now. I mean I recently did see him at my nephews birthday but that was the first time in that two years I had seen him and he pretty much avoided me the entire time(which I found amusing). But I had two other dream before I was even invited to the birthday party and thought I would probably have to see him.

All I can guess is I’m having these dreams because maybe it would of been easier to deal with him and show people he really was abusing me if he got physical with me.

In the past when I would say that so many didn’t and still don’t believe me and he’s turned family against me(including my own grandparents).

Since it was all verbal and emotional abuse it’s harder to believe for some people I guess because you can’t “see” the abuse.

Maybe that’s why I’m having dreams of stuff like that because I guess part of me wished he would of physically abused me and I would have been able to show people what he was doing to me and get away sooner than I did? And maybe I could of started to heal sooner than I did?

I know that’s a really fucked up thing to wish for. But I have a feeling that probably is what my true feelings are and it’s just showing up in my dreams.

And I really hate that a part of me wishes something like that would have happened and hate having those types of dreams.

I hope three are the only ones I’m going to have and won’t have anymore because they really make me uncomfortable.