I am way too insecure and need help

I am struggling with my entire existence. I’m getting tired of myself and wish I looked like someone else. I feel invalid, average, awkward. I want to be beautiful and be told that because I don’t hear it often. I’m pretty pathetic and can’t get out of this mindset. I just want to be free and love myself. I can only feel that way with weed, but I’ve been depending on it to make me feel better. I need help but I don’t know how to reach it.

I want to be comfortable and confident in my own skin. It’s all I really want. I feel weak and I can’t stop crying. I don’t want to constantly seek validation. I’m always curious how I look to others. My bf compliments me but I still don’t believe it. I keep thinking he’s using me in some way because I’m actually nothing special.

However, It has come to the point where I feed off his compliments and validation which arouses me. I’m obsessed with beauty. I was teased and isolated all my life that I thought something was really wrong with me. I was treated differently or not even at all like I’m invisible yet overly awkward. I was always rejected and treated as a last choice and it increasingly made me feel less valid.

I feel so confused and annoying

Advice? Experiences? Thank you!