I have had hardships in life and overall I am a happy joyful person. Not just in appearance to others but also within myself most of the time. However, I am at a point in life where being around my husband or even thinking of him of talking to him brings my mood all the way down. Having a buffer like a mutual friend or relative always helps because then I can can tolerate it all much better. But when we are alone or he talks to me, I just don’t feel well. He is not physically abusive or anything, he just has a temper. And now when he is being normal or sweet or kind or thoughtful, I have a hard time embracing it because I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. In my mind I’m already like “ it’s only a matter of time before he gets angry again or yells” and I also think back to when he has been that way and it clouds my vision of any positive thing. At this point it’s like, I won’t allow myself to embrace pleasant moments because it hurts even more so that I’m being vulnerable and he can just be totally different guy in the next hour or day. Who knows? So when he opens the car door, I think “why is he doing that? Whats going on?” If he asks me what I want to eat or what I want to do, I’m indifferent because going out and doing something or especially spending money just leaves way too much room for an argument. He will argue about what seems like ANYTHING. I don’t talk to him as much. He really has to start the conversation because if I do, I might say a triggering word or nonverbal trigger movement and that will set him off. So I found it best just to say less. In doing so, I feel bad but it’s LESS worse than his temper lashing out at me. It’s confusing because he wasn’t always like this and idk how to deal with this. I’m not really interested in him sexually but I try to get in the right mindset. This is my husband and I can’t just like have sex with anyone else. I don’t masturbate either because when I do, I’m too in my head and think about all the things he has said to me. Not about my body but about my sexual activity before being with him and then I just feel like a stupid slut and I don’t even want to look at myself or touch myself. His behavior is so unpredictable and unlike anything I’m used to. I’m loosing weight. I have been over the past three months. And that kills me because I worked sooooo hard to gain the weight. I was at the highest weight I had ever been. I don’t have and eating disorder by the way, just a high metabolism, small frame, and mild appetite my whole life.