Bout to be 18 need decision

So before me and my boyfriend started dating (we been dating almost 3 years) I used to like his friend before I liked him and he was childish asf and pranked me asked me to be his girl but it was all fake n I cried for hours and I couldn’t get over it for such a long time. I grew to get over it because my boyfriend made me happy but before I got over it my boyfriend and I broke up and he started dating a new girl which didn’t last long cause he was still fucking me n shit. But during the time he was dating her that same friend was getting touchy w me when we was at a party n I didn’t like it so I hit him bc I feel like u can’t hurt me and then think it’s okay to touch me. But after all that I decided to treat his friends like my own because I love my boyfriend and I would do anything for him even if it’s putting up w him talking about his friend, being around him sometimes, or them picking him up from my house all the time. Even when I come around to see my bf and say hi his friend gets all weird but maybe it’s just me 🤷‍♀️ who knows. And he hates me for no reason!!! I literally welcome them with big arms as my boyfriends friend and even let this dude in my house and he hates me but it wouldn’t matter to me if Nun happen between us but it does matter because i have a big heart n ion think I deserve to get treated like I’m always doing sum wrong. It goes deeper than that but that’s a whole different story because my whole life it’s been like that but It erks me so bad his friend be popping up in my dreams or my thoughts at night n I’m really sad because I love my boyfriend but it feels like I’m betraying him with still having emotional breaks that I can’t even speak to him about it because I know how it sounds. Today I decided to write this because it came across my mind and won’t leave n it’s been 3 fucking years since I had a crush on him, I barely even know the dude we only had one real conversation n dude was brain dead cause we were high n he bothered me just sitting in front of me... like he has an effect on me n it probably doesn’t effect him anyway and I heard all the shit where ppl tell me let it go it’s not worth it ur killing urself trying to figure out what u did wrong or why u think this why just distract urself blah blah blah. I never got diagnosed but I do feel like I have signs of bipolar from my father(RIP) and I do a lot of crazy embarrassing shit when I blow up and I start on new projects all the time and never finish them bc I go into depressive mode like it’s hard to stay focused or happy or just have any balance in my life so nun of that stay focused on you shit works for me. I’ve done shit I cnt even speak on n I hurt myself numerous times I’m sick of myself I don’t even know who I am because I’m a new person everyday and it’s so fucking tiring to learn new things about myself that are probably not even true as the day goes on. I just want to be a good girlfriend to my boyfriend and get his friend out my head cause I know I shouldn’t be but my mind won’t shut off ever. Nobody I know goes through this and Idk how I can get help without getting someone in trouble by telling them the full story.