I appreciate the love he gives me, and I know he’s trying; but he’s not my dad. No matter how hard he tries, or how far he’ll go for me, my uncle isn’t my dad. It hurts knowing my dad probably doesn’t care for me as much as he claims he does. Maybe I’ll always be the scapegoat for my fathers mistakes. I hate being envious of my cousin for seeing her connection with her dad. I’m happy she has it, but deep down I wish I had that. It’s not fair. It’s just not fucking fair.

I’m so tired of feeling like this. I had to start taking medications. I’ve been lashing out on my family members. I’m not gonna use my mental health as an excuse for that- because it’s fucked up.

But I just feel so..defeated by it all. I’m tired of fighting and trying, and wishing the people in my family would just set their differences aside and get along. I hate being in the middle of things. I hate being the scapegoat. I hate the fact that I can’t trust my own father and see the love and concern he has for me as genuine.

I’ve never self harmed in a sense of burning myself, honestly I’m afraid because I’ve been thinking about doing it. I’ve starved myself before, and just secluded myself. But never have I actually done physical damage to my body. I just wish there was a way I could make it all go away. I’m sorry if none of this makes sense, I just really needed to get this out.