How would you feel?


TW ⚠️

Suicidal thoughts and mental health issues

I've been seeing this guy for a month, things got pretty intense very quick and we were seeing each other most evenings in my house, so the relationship developed a lot which was great. Up until he told me loved me 3 weeks in. I didn't say it back because I wanted to make sure I felt 100% the same and not just saying it because he did. This is where things went downhill. He went in himself afterwards he had an expectation in his head and it didn't go that way so he with drew which is understandable, I was sad this happened but understood. So another week went by and we decide to meet up and for him to stay over but I had a bit drink on me and wanted to talk about the situation and he didn't, basically ended up me pushing it and he ended up leaving because he was uncomfortable, he backed off even more, again understanding, I apologized and he accepted it obviously was still distant. So I suffer with borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety and sometimes suicidal thoughts, ( I have attempted once 2 years ago) which I told him from the start. He also has been in that place too and we're both on antidepressants. I am just very hyper sensitive to others and their reactions and things like pulling away, afraid they will leave etc (google bpd) to understand it more. Anyway I told him yesterday I was feeling suicidal, he asked me was I ok, I said no and that I feel I'm going crazy, these episodes happen from time to time but especially if I anticipate someone is backing off not showing as much interest etc.

He basically said he needs to end it because things are too raw for him and he can't help me because he can't even talk about it because of his past and his feelings with it. I understand but feel it's really harsh at the same time. I get he doesn't owe me anything and I know if someone ends something and you didn't want it to happen that's a normal reaction but I just feel he could of still be there for me I think ending it was too drastic. Again I know it was very early days but I just think if his feelings were true you would try to help. I do understand he isn't ready to face up to it and he has to put himself first. I'm really hoping he will change his mind but I'm not going to force/beg.

Please no rude or critical comments I'm really struggling with this situation right now and very sensitive also with my mental health.

I have made an appointment with my doctor. Just curious of what you all make of it. Thank you ❤️