Hi everyone! I got out of a relationship towards the end of last year, and my ex had sexually assaulted me and was emotionally abuse and cheating on me for the duration of our short lived relationship. He had lied, manipulated and made me feel so awful that I lost 20lbs from not eating and vomiting so often that I would pop blood vessels in my eye. I’m in my mid 20’s. The last time (or second last?) we had sex he had asked for anal several times, to which I said no. We were drinking. I went to his room and waited for him to come back, when he started trying to put it in my butt. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t really know what to do and as silly as it sounds didn’t want to seem “lame” or disappoint him. I told him it hurt but he ignored me. Didn’t stop, ask if I was okay, or slow down. I remember thinking “if I were being raped right now they wouldn’t stop either”. Only a few months after did I realize that I WAS, not IF I was. I enjoyed it towards the end I won’t lie which made it harder for me to come to terms with it either. After we finished I told him I was bleeding, to which he said “shut up you’re fine”.

I didn’t think I was traumatized or damaged by it until he popped back up on my social media and I had a meltdown. I realized I’m not okay. I’ve always had confidence issues especially around relationships and sex, not to say I’ve never been promiscuous or had a ho phase (I definitely did), but this is a whole new level. I WANT to have sex. I WANT to enjoy myself and my sexuality and my body, but this even has made

It so much more difficult for me to find that confidence. I was supposed to see a guy today, would be our third “date”, and I’m fully wanting to have sex with him, but when I think about it my heart pounds and I just get overwhelmed. I’m terrified I’ll end up with a bad person again, somebody like my ex, even if it’s just for sex. Like Absolutely terrified.

Has anybody experienced this before and have any advice for me? TIA