Someone?

I am not feeling good soo I thought I could post, maybe someone has gone through the same thing.

It is long. If you have 10minutes I would really appreciate it.

My baby is 3 almost 4months old and all I want tmis to go back to the day before he was born and do it all over again, mayve the whole pregnancy even.

I feel like a failure and if I could just go back I could be such a better mother to him and do so many things differently.

Maybe it has to do with the fact I stopped breastfeeding after the first week and I still feel so guilty about it, I had milk and I choose not to breastfeed (at that time it was to much pressure and it didn’t help my menta state, advice from my midwife to stop, also my husband loved feeding), thinking back I should of pumped. I don’t know. It is too late now and I still can’t stop with the guilt even though I thought I made the right decision at the time and was happy and I thought the feeling will disappear. My baby is thriving but the guilt is still present.

Maybe it is that the birth was completely ruined by doctors and nurses, ending in a csection. Months later and just thinking about it I start to shake and cry because I am so angry, I only wanted one baby and this was once in a lifetime for me and it was ruined. The day my son was born was hell for me. Staying at the hospital after the birth was hell for me and my baby. I didn’t get my milk, on the third night my son was on the boob for hours and still screaming. I asked them to bring me a bottle, I didnt care as long he was feed. They refused, saying I should keep him latched. I was crying, begging for them to bring me a bottle for my baby. Thinking about it now I want to cry and go back to beat everyone at that damn hospital.

I guess it was easier when he was a newborn because he would sleep a lot and didn’t need to be entertained that much.

Now I just feel lost, I have no idea how to keep him happy and how to entertain him. I think majority of his crying is because he is bored and wants to be in my arms all the time. I am struggling to keep up with everything. Just struggling in general to be a good mom for him. He is still to little for toys but I also don’t want him to be surrounded by toys. I feel I should play with him. If that makes sense?

I am crying because I am annoyed with him. Like what kind of mother I am? But then again when he is not with me I miss him.

I see all these mommies that have such nice pictures of their babies and they are all done and doing something interesting and my baby is covered in vomit because of his reflux and I haven’t brush my hair in two weeks.

I thought I had this. I thought I was going to be such a good mom to him and I am constantly failing since day one and he is so precious, he deserves the best mom, someone who can do this.

I hate myself so much right now.

I don’t have anyone to really talk to, not that close with my mom and I don’t want to always bother my husband.