Hello! This is a long one but I'm feeling confused and a little lost.

I'm a pansexual, cis female in a hetero, monogamous, long-term relationship.

My partner is my first in many ways and we're madly in love still after four years. I knew I was bi when we met and during this time realized I'm actually pan.

In the last two years I've openly talked with my partner about my curiosity for sex with other gender identities than cis male. He's more experienced than me and is so wide open in his confidence in us and himself that he has repeatedly said I have permission to explore it.

That has allowed me to dig in more, to evaluate what I want, and also has brought up a lot of concerns and insecurities. I have some close friends who fall somewhere in the non-monogamous/poly spectrum. I've talked a lot with them, listened to a lot of podcasts, read countless articles and personal stories. But in all of these I fail to find accounts from or advice for someone who has only ever had sex with one person, and who can't separate sex from an emotional connection.

My partner understands it fully, and can separate sex as strictly physical versus emotional. Which is why he's totally open to play outside of a relationship and is comfortable with me doing that. When we talk about it, which we do a lot, I always fill him in on my hesitation and insecurities. He's lovingly kind about it and encouraging but he can't really help me with my struggles.

I really just need someone to talk to who has experienced this or who understands these mental blocks. I can't truly tell if this is something I want to try and I'm just working past ideas of monogamy that were engrained in me all my life, or if it's just genuinely not the path for me (now or ever).

Help?