UPDATED- Sexual Activity As Children/In the Past

I'm not sure how to explain this in a way that won't sound awful to some people.

I've been married for nearly two years now and my husband and I are just starting to figure out sex. We are each other's only sex partners in life. Well the other day he was trying to touch my nipple and I freaked out about it and slapped his hand away because I felt scared.

I was kind of surprised by my reaction, although I've mentioned before that I have very sensitive nipples. But I never noticed that I have a fearful reaction to them being touched. This makes me wonder if something occurred in my past that makes me feel uncomfortable with sexual contact.

My first memories of my sexuality are from around age 6. I shared a bedroom with my sister who was two years older than me. My parents decided to give her "the sex talk" one night and when she returned to our bunk beds she told me what they'd told her.

After that, my sister and I began experimenting in our bedroom at night. I mainly remember that she asked me to play doctor with her and put a crayon up her bum. There were also nights where our little brother (he was three years younger than me) would join us and my sister would have him and I suck on her ears or her boobs.

Around the same time or a year or two after, I discovered that pressure felt good on my vagina but I didn't know what masturbation was. I would hump my pillow and my dolls. My sister asked me what I was doing and I told her I was exercising. I never orgasmed from this though.

I remember one time my brother and I made a fort out of blankets and a table. We slept in our fort one night and we kissed on the lips and said that we were practicing our wedding kisses. We also touched each other in our private areas to see what the differences were.

When I started to develop breasts around age 12, my younger cousins (ages 5 & 6, male and female) were really curious about them and always wanted me to show them my boobs. I gave in because I guess I liked the attention? I'm not sure why I flashed them. I also got dared a lot of times to kiss my male cousin (age 6) and he always seemed to want to kiss me back. One time we were sleeping at our grandparents house and he decided to crawl into bed with me and he asked me to have sex with him but I said no.

I humped pillows from age 8-13 but I always felt guilty for it like it was sinful. I ended up going for 8 years without masturbation because of this. So I was 21 years old when I tried again. I still didn't know how to do it properly. I didn't figure it out until one day when I was hanging out with my husband (he was still my boyfriend at that point) at age 25 and he asked me to show him how I masturbate. So I flipped over on my belly and wiggled on the bed for a few seconds. He laughed and said that I looked like a worm. Then he told me how it was supposed to go. He also told me that pornography is not actually two people acting out a sex scene.... they're not actors, they're legitimately having sex. So he showed me since I'd never seen it before.

Basically this is my personal history with sexual activity and I just don't know how normal it is. I went to therapy and mentioned some of these things when I was 17 and my therapist said that it is normal for children to experiment with their siblings. But I'm thinking that this seems more like incest and a case of bad sex education.

Do you think sexual experimentation with siblings is somewhat of a normal occurence? Do you think I was sexually abused as a kid and am suppressing the memory and maybe that's why I reacted to my husband's touch that way?

I know my family of origin was pretty dysfunctional and toxic, I'm just trying to sift through the crap so that I can better function in society and so I never pass this behaviour on to my children as normal if it is not. I'm trying to be the bigger person here and end the generational crap so that I can be a good future parent.... someone with common sense and good morals. Please don't be too hard on me in the comments.... I'm being really vulnerable to you because I want to be better. I have social anxiety so I get panic attacks if people aren't careful what they write to me 😔 Thanks for listening.

Do you mind listing how many siblings you have and if this was something that you experienced? I've talked with my husband about my past but he didn't grow up with his siblings so he doesn't know what is normal experimentation or not. The only other people I trust to ask are my best friend and my mother in law but even then, I'm really nervous about telling them.

As far as my parents, they never discussed masturbation with me. I only told my mom about some of these things we did when she asked me five years ago if we'd been abused at all. She asked because my brother came out as gay and she wanted to know if it was caused by anything. She looked horrified but didn't say anything about it.

I don't think my sister meant anything by doing this. How can I be sure it wasn't innocent? She's a nurse so she's always been interested in the human body. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤔

UPDATE

I texted my sister to ask her casually if she had any information about this since she's older and might remember more. This was her response. I'm really suspicious now.