Hey mamas! I am REALLY needing advice with my newly preteen and our family dynamic. This will be long, so if you read through this all I really appreciate it. 🧡

Our oldest turned 9 this year and puberty has definitely hit. Her mood swings are all over the place, body changes, and on top of it, we are still struggling to get her out of the COVID mindset. It really affected her so much. Prior to the pandemic, she didn’t even have a computer. We went out multiple times a week to parks, The thinkery, the waterparks. And of course school during weekdays. Out every day of the summer. And now roblox and gacha life are her favorite ways to connect with her friends.

I am pulling teeth to get her to go with me anywhere nowadays, and I’ll see her having a great time socializing like she used to once I “force her” as she says, but the second we get home she talks about how boring it was and that she’d rather be home. She’s been only seeing the negative in everything. She treats her little two year old sister like crap most of the time now, and is getting aggressive with her just for wanting to hang out. I understand the hormones and Covid both probably add to this pent up frustration, being around a needy toddler and just being stuck at home. So I got her into karate to let the aggression out and I signed her up for a girls rock camp. Unfortunately it was all virtual this year though so she hasn’t met these friends in person, although she totally bonded with the girls so I’m hoping we can make a play date happen soon. The karate was a bust.

Now the biggest problem I’m worried for is the relationship between her and my husband. He has raised her since she was a baby, (bio dad is not around.) They used to do everything together, and once we had more kids he spent a lot of one on one time with her taking her camping, stargazing, etc. He has always financially supported us and all of her activities, and he’s treated her as his own from the beginning. They’ve always had a very special bond. But he has become very frustrated with her change in attitude and frankly the disrespect she’s giving us, me in particular. She’ll ignore one simple task I ask her to do, or sometimes he’ll come home from work and he’ll come to her room and say hi, she’ll just completely ignore him looking at her computer.

Obviously we’ve limited the screen time, and see somewhat of change in behavior when it’s done for the day. But now she says that my husband is just mean all the time. As I said earlier, she tends to only seeing the negative moments these day and does not at all take into account all of the wonderful things he does to make her day better. He cares so much about her and just doesn’t understand what’s going on and it’s hurting him. I explain as best as I can to him regarding her mood swings and hormones and how we do have to try to be more sensitive, but obviously that doesn’t excuse the blatant disrespect she gives and needs the discipline. But any form of discipline she receives she calls “aggressive” which is ridiculous.

If my husband were truly angry with our children 24/7, he’d be gone. But I see how she treats him and how he reacts and disciplines, as I’m home all the time. I stay at home and work from home. He’s never laid a hand on her so it’s not like he’s an aggressive monster that she’s trying to paint him as. He just makes it known in his stern dad voice that it’s not okay to treat any of us the way she does and will punish her by taking away the laptop/tv time.

Is this normal? I never had a father figure in my life so I don’t know the father daughter dynamic, and I can have one on ones with her till I’m black and blue, but she’s just refusing to see that her actions could completely change the relationship dynamic and avoid her being in trouble altogether. The lying, the attitude, it could all be so much better for us all if she just did what we ask of her (which is so minimal!) And he has these conversations with her too, but it’s always all our faults in her mind. I just don’t know what to do, are we doing this all wrong?

Phew, that was a lot, if you read this far you’re a champ. If you have any advice I’d love all of it. Thanks!