What do you do

When you can't go home to your wife and child because your wife.wants what's best for you but you don't want what's best for yourself. When your best friend, someone you see as a brother hurts you in a way everyone says is unforgivable... But you don't let go. You need to let go, your wife needs you to let go and you're only.killing yourself because you can't let go.... Letting go of a person who was there in childhood who helped you through the unthinkable. Who you never thought could do the unthinkable. And you're slowly losing your sanity because you don't know who anyone is anyone. You hate yourself, your body. But you cat hate them. For some reason you can't hate them. You play in your head over and over again everything you went through and the friendship, brotherhood you had with him. You should be willing to burn that all all those memories away but you can't.... You can't hate him... He makes you lose your sanity but you can't hate him. And your wife wants you to hate him but you can't.... The only person you hate is yourself... I hate myself..