I want another baby so bad it's killing me inside. When I first started dating my husband and we talked about how many kids we wanted, he said he wanted at least 2 or 3 and I told him I wanted 5 and he said that was cool with him. It was always important to me to have a big family because growing up it was just me and my sister. We are suuuuper close so when we would fall out, it would feel isolating like I had no one. Not super close to my other family and my mom hasn't been in my life since age 9 so it was important to me to me to have a big family that was close. I wanted my kids to always have someone they can call on and also I wanted to feel love from many people (my kids, future grands etc). Anyway, I had 1 child prior to marriage, she's now 13. She was 6 when I got married. We jumped straight into ttc right after getting married but we found my husband had fertility issues so it was a long struggle to get pregnant. 2yrs of just seeing what would happen when we dated and almost 3yrs after marriage of active tracking and fertility drs etc. Finally, now we have a 3yr old and a 1yr old. And a miscarriage in between. Looking back, ttc immediately was probably a mistake but bc of our ages we always thought we had to do it before we got "too old." We are currently 31 and 33. I'm dying inside everyday bc I want another baby, we wanted them close together but the catch is my marriage is in turmoil. We had been in a roommate state for a few months. My husband doesn't deal well with stress. He is a poor money manager so when he does things with money that's no smart he gets really ugly. I'm a SAHM and he feels I shouldn't ask questions when things don't make sense since "he's the man" and "he makes the money." We were on the brink of divorce for a while there. He was adamant he didn't want a divorce but I did 100%. I didn't pull the trigger bc of the cost of the attorney, I obviously don't have since I'm a SAHM, and fear of change too I guess. Anyways, when we have sex we don't use birth control but finally I realized how irresponsible that was bc I know we don't need another baby with our marriage being in shambles so I got on birth control but I didn't tell my husband. I told him he needs to pull out to avoid pregnancy. He did consistently but eventually stopped. I asked y and if he's trying to get pregnant and basically he said he doesn't mind if we get pregnant (I know he wants more kids). After I said that, he started pulling out again but eventually stopped again. He still doesnt know im on BC. B4 my youngest he begged for a baby but I told him I didn't want kids right then bc we were not in a good place. We had sex without BC because of his fertility issues I didn't think we would get pregnant as our first child required <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>. Later down the line he told me he started taking a sperm booster supplement so I felt he intentionally got me pregnant even though I told him no? Hes foggy on the timeline he started taking it so i can't say for sure if it was intentional. Anyway ffwd to now, I want more kids for my own personal fulfillment but I feel like I can't have more bc of my rocky marriage and other things. I don't want to be judged also bc some family knows our marriage is rocky. My youngest just turned 1 yesterday and this would be around the time we'd be ttc if things were different. I just feel unfulfilled and sad all the time over the idea of never being able to have the family I've always wanted. How do I fill this void ☹