I’m so tired of being all over the place and not having any control of anything.

Backstory: I was a single mother to my daughter from the time she was 3 months old until she was 7. After I had her, I lost all the baby weight, was back to work making my own money, going to the gym, getting my nails done, and feeling like a boss.

Now I’m married and we have a 3 month old together. I gained so much more weight with this baby and a lot of it stuck. I was a size 2 in jeans before and now a size 7 is pushing it. It’s not even belly fat where I could diet for a week and poof it’s gone (I have Celiac so weight loss from the belly is easy) it’s in my hips and thighs and I only realized that when I couldn’t get my old jeans past my thighs. Hips and thighs I actually have to workout ALOT to get rid of fat, which is fine I LOVE the gym but my husband works 5 days a week and then 5 nights overnight so even when he’s home he’s dead asleep so no going to the gym. No gym, no nails, and no going to work so I feel completely useless.

Now for today’s trigger: I’m in the kitchen feeding the baby and cooking bacon for everyone else when my husband comes up and starts playing around and pinches my double chin so I grab his belly (he’s 5’8 and 200 pounds so idk why he feels the need to comment on anyone else’s weight ☕️🐸), so then he starts to grab the back of my arms and my love handles implying like “ok I have a chubby stomach but you have fat under your chin, on your arms, AND your sides.” At that point I told him to just leave me alone so he said he was sorry and “you know I love you the way you are” and “I told you I don’t like skinny girls” which I know all that and idc about what anyone thinks of me, it’s ME that has a problem with me and you just woke that demon up. I just told him yesterday that even though I said I didn’t want more kids (because he was kind of $h!tty the end of my pregnancy and the first couple months after the baby was born) that I decided I still wanted more (because I will 10000% regret not having them down the road) and now I’m sitting here feeling like I just want my body back. It doesn’t help that I have my first PP period either and I’m just a mess…….. literally, it’s HORRIBLE, clothes are getting ruined, blankets, I have to sit on a towel on the couch. I feel like a fat, disgusting cow.

He made me my steak for dinner (I’m anemic so when AF comes to town it’s red meat breakfast, lunch, and dinner 😅). I ate that with nothing else and then he’s trying to ask me if I have any chocolates left or ice creams and how many are left, if I want a chocolate shake, and which of those things would make me feel better…….. you literally made fun of my fat and are asking if junk food will make me feel better?! What planet do you live on? I feel so bad about myself and I can’t do anything to help myself feel better, I literally just want to crawl in a hole.