Kinda TTC, I had a miscarriage when I was 19. I was so ill prepared since the relationship I had was abusive and I had finally been set free and was doing better. I found out I was pregnant a week or two after everything with him finally ended and it wasn’t even because we were trying. I was depressed that any attention was good attention and I felt like he loved me in those moments. I was probably a month into my pregnancy when I miscarried. My mom says it was the world telling me that it wasn’t my time or it was saving him and me from a life time of pain. I was prepared to do it alone. I feel so selfish for wanting him. I know my baby was going to be a boy, because there was a moment where I was just so excited about having a baby, I was talking to a customer who had just had her NB baby back from the NICU and he was all smiles just laughing and giggling at me just smiling at him and say hi. She looked at me and laughed and said “ oh you must be having a boy. If baby boys are following and attracted to your person, you’re probably having a boy.” I just felt so happy since she was the first person to not give me crap about the father of my baby or situation. She didn’t ask.

I still wanted him. I was going to give him everything I could. I just feel so selfish, it just feels like everyone tries to comfort me with the “he’s in a better place” or “it’s what the world had in plans for you” or “it’s better that way, you both would’ve suffered” it’s always that tone. And maybe I am selfish for wanting him.

The night I miscarried, I knew I was miscarrying. I fell asleep like normal, around 12 am. There was no dreaming, just a voice in my head repeating all night “You’re miscarrying, you’re having a miscarriage.” Just constant. But it didn’t feel like forever. It felt like only minutes before the morning came. Lo and behold, the spotting begins. I was in denial. Reading up on articles, convincing myself it was just normal, some women go through it. That day I called off work and went to the ER. They couldn’t see anything through ultrasounds. My HCG level was high. I don’t really remember. I went home and had like a week maybe of just brown clots, it looked like old period. I finally went back to the ER at 11 PM after that week. I begged my EX to show up, he was so angry he had to show up, I was just so scared. He brought his friend. I checked into the ER, and waited until 2 AM until I just couldn’t stay up waiting to get called and fell asleep. I woke up at 3-4 AM and my Ex was just sitting bored on his phone. I asked if they called me at all and mhe was like no, they probably think you left. I got up and went to go ask. They really did think I left, but immediately took me to the back. They tested me again and checked my levels. It was 40ish. I cried like hell and my ex just held me. I cried until I fell asleep. I could hear the nurses talking shit about me crying. I understand why, I just couldn’t control my feelings. I just accepted what was happening. They woke me up at 8 am and discharged me. I went home and my ex held me until I fell asleep again. He ended up leaving and I felt awful. I remember just walking to the bathroom. I had to pee, and when I did, it was just blood everywhere. I cried again. I finally accepted the reality and my body did too. It’s just crazy how we work. Maybe it was all coincidence, the voice telling me, the acceptance in the form of blood.

I stand 15 DPO, late one day. Negatives since 9DPO. First cycle that I actually tried/not tried. Just a coincidence again that it happened to be the time I started having UPS with my boyfriend. I’m just hoping for any little sign my baby will come.

Sorry for the essay, I started typing and couldn’t stop. I wish baby dust on everyone trying, you all would make awesome mothers/parents to wonderful babies. I wish you all happy families❤️