I saw a psychiatrist for the first time on friday. We were basically able to cover just about every traumatic experience I have had in my life. I told her I was molested when I was a kid by a man at my daycare and then she asked if I had been sexually assaulted any other times. I had to think about it for a few minutes but I told her about something that had happened last summer that I just never spoke about. I was at a small get together with some people I worked with. I had hooked up with my one coworker months before but never again after that. Me, another girl I worked with and 2 other guys we also worked with were there plus a few of their other friends. We were all sitting outside drinking and having fun. The girl ended up feeling sick and going upstairs to her room but I continued hanging out with everyone for a little bit. We came inside and eventually people started going to their rooms to sleep. I was pretty drunk but not enough to be black out or anything like that. The guy I hooked up with was hugging me and stuff and then forced my hand on his exposed penis. I was pulling away and left him to go clean up a bit. I truly do not remember how I ended up in his room but the next thing I knew I was on my knees with his penis in my mouth. I was trying to pull away and basically falling asleep on him. I do remember looking up and thinking that he was recording me because of how he had his phone pointed at me. He eventually helped me up and took me upstairs to my friends room where he put me in the bed and left to go back downstairs to his room. I fell asleep for a little bit and woke up a little bit later and recalling everything that had just happened. My friend was still asleep and it was around 4 am. I went to the bathroom (still feeling dizzy) and texted my friends in our group chat that I didn’t feel safe where I was at, I was scared and that I couldn’t drive home. After I sent them the message I got scared they wouldn’t see it because it was so early. I sat in the bathroom for going on a half hour looking at social media before I checked snapchat to see if they had opened my message…and 2 out of 3 of them had but never messaged me back or came to help me. I was stuck there until the next morning where even more things happened. Me and the girl helped move a tv back into the guy who assaulted mes room. I was just trying to act like nothing had happened. When the girl walked back outside to smoke, the guy pulled me into his room and closed the door, even taking off the doorknob. I was scared but just trying to play along like maybe he was joking. He was trying to pull me towards his bed before I started to grab his bookcase to prevent him from pulling me anymore. He let me out after a few minutes if this and then I was able to leave to go home. I never talked about this with anyone until my psychiatrist, but after getting it off my chest I’m feeling angry towards my friends for not helping me or even checking in on me. The 2 that read my message both lived within 5-15 minutes from where I was. Since my appointment i’ve just been feeling angry, sad and hurt but I feel like I can’t express this with them since this happened last summer. I’m sorry for the long post but I just don’t really have anyone to discuss this with, I definitely do not want to tell my mom.

*edit: in regards to the few comments i have already gotten, I was not best friends with the girl I was with, we are just basic friends/ex coworkers. She was sick and passed out so I obviously didn’t want to wake her up. She also lived with the guy so I didn’t want to create a scene. She wouldn’t have been able to drive me home because she was also so drunk. This is why I messaged my BEST FRIENDS who I knew were sober and would have been able to just help me be removed from the situation.