Just want to vent.

I don’t have friends. I guess I don’t deserve them. Even if I did, my anxiety would push then away.

Anyway.

My birthday was Thursday.

I woke up and my stepdad got me two balloons.

My mom always told me that no matter how old I get, she will always get me a birthday cake. That made me feel loved and like she cared.

A few days ago, they bought about $60 worth of junk food for my stepdads two granddaughters who only stayed one night.

I told her she didn’t have to get me a cake, all I wanted was a protein bar.

So... No cake. Which I was fine with. I would have thrown up if I had eaten it due to the way my stomach is.

But no protein bar. That was only $1.

No calls, other than the call from my boyfriend who came down to look at a house he was telling me about. My dad didn’t call or text. That really hurt

I asked my mom why not, since it was only a dollar, and if they didn’t have any I’d go get one somewhere else.

That fueled a huge argument.

Then I realized she didn’t want to celebrate my birthday.

I’m nothing but a burden to her.

She told me I needed to grow up and move out. (I would do that in a heartbeat if I could) and then she low key called me worthless.

She denied it. But she did. Then she said she phrases things the wrong way and blamed it on menopause.

I contemplated some things I won’t speak of, but nothing would hold my weight and I didn’t want to risk failing and breaking something then get yelled at over that.

For her birthday, I spent my last $30 on some decorations, a huge cookie cake, candles, and a gift bag full of self care items like bathbombs and soap. That was all the money I had and I wasn’t sure when I’d next have any money. She called me ungrateful when I mentioned a protein bar was just a dollar and she said that it was her fault I’m like this because she spoiled me. I just felt like the biggest waste of space.

I started thinking how it’s my fault my love died, how he wouldn’t allow me to feel like this if I had just stayed awake that night he died, how my child would be better off without me, how everything that can go wrong has, and how I could just turn my thoughts off and not have to worry or feel what I’m feeling, and my mom could have that “peace” she keeps asking for.

Everything just hit me at once so I went to the bathroom and laid in the floor and cried. For about an hour. Then I got up and got dressed. I gave my mom $10 for some socks she ordered for my boyfriend’s birthday. She told me to go get a box of protein bars with it. She was hateful about it, so I’m going to give her that $10 back anyway. I went to the store and got a protein bar. Came home. Put a candle on it. Asked my mom where a lighter was. She didn’t help. Then I sat in the kitchen. Watching the flame flicker. On a protein bar. By myself.

I felt lonely.

It hurt.

My son saw me from the living room and said, and he’s only 2.5, but he said “mama are you ok?” Then he noticed the candle and said “happy birthday to youUuUuU!” And it made me laugh.

I realized that if I’m not here, he might end up in the same situation. I have to be here for him. To make sure all his birthdays, he has someone to spend it with. He gets a phone call from someone. He gets something to blow the candles out on. And he’s not going to spend it alone. I hope I never make him feel less than anything, because he is my world. And he is very much loved.

I wished for him to stay healthy and happy, and for things to get better for us.

Then I paid our way into the fair after that. I saw my son smile at the monster trucks and helped him win an inflatable dolphin. We rode a few rides but not the ones I really wanted to ride I don’t think my boyfriend wanted to ride them. I could have asked so that’s my faults. Then went to my boyfriends house. He said he was going to stop and get me a birthday cake cookie before he came down, but had to rush down to look at that house. I was really bummed when he said that. I just wish I was important to someone. I guess my late partner spoiled me too. Because he’d always go all out and surprise me on my birthday and anniversaries. I really miss him. The one man who actually loved me and proved it every day. I’m tired. I wish I could go back and do things differently.. sorry for the long vent.