Parenting differences

I’m looking for advice on how to come to an agreement on how to parent our children. I don’t want the you should divorce him comments.

So my husband and I are very different when it comes to discipline. He got spanked/hit growing up and I didn’t, I just got grounded. In saying that I am not totally against spanking but I believe it should only be used in serious situations and not often at all. My children (11, 5 and 2) are afraid to tell my husband anything because of how he reacts. They have no problem coming to me because I understand children make mistakes. For example my 5 year old spilled his cup of milk one morning and didn’t say anything so when my husband noticed the chair and his pants were wet he asked and my 5 year old couldn’t even respond because he was crying so hard. When my husband is at work and my 5 year old spills something he’ll tell me and I’ll tell him it’s ok and accidents happen and we clean it up together. My 11 year old has adhd and when his medication wares off he has an extremely hard time being still. My husband has raged before because he’s told him to be still 10 times and my 11 year old was still bouncing off the walls. In this situation I usually make him sit in a certain chair and count to 50 slowly to let his body calm down. I definitely don’t hit him. Most recently my 2 year old has hit the “no” stage where he says no to literally everything we say. When we were on vacation I had put sunscreen on him and he started climbing on the bed so i told him to get off and he told me no and my husband grabbed him hard and said what did you say and the baby started crying and saying no no no and my husband spanked him. He’s just a 2 year old. He doesn’t understand.

I don’t know how to come to a parenting agreement with him. We differ so much on how we discipline. He thinks I’m too easy on them and I think he’s way too hard on them.