I’ve been through A LOT in life. I was raped when I was 17 years old by this boy that I really liked. Once it came down to having sex, I refused because I was a virgin and wanted to save my virginity. That night, he took that from me. I kept telling him “no, stop. I don’t want to have sex” and he pulled my pants down and stuck it in me while I was fighting him. I was also molested as a little girl by a 45 year old child predator. I was left in his room. He was naked and I was standing there after what was done. My mind erased so much so I vividly remember some things.

Fast forward to my relationship of almost 5 years. We had a great sex life before. Then things took a turn. I’m not sure what happened but my mind/body started remembering things and now having sex is very hard. I don’t like to be touched down there or having my nipples touched unless my body calms down and relaxes. My boyfriend doesn’t understand. He guilt trips me by saying “we never have sex anymore. we only have sex 1-2x a month.”

He then keeps touching my nipples on purpose and my vagina. I told him “stop, don’t touch me, i don’t want that right now” and he proceeded to touch me. Then he says “you don’t have a say so.” He says that often. This time I got my phone out and was recording him. I kept telling him “stop touching me” and he kept doing it while laughing and oh he knew i was recording too but i think he thought i was playing around. I then told him that i recorded him and he got super pissed and said “i thought we were playing, that’s why i kept doing it” (he always says we’re playing) I told him “no we were never playing, i told you multiple times to stop.”

I really don’t know what to do. I don’t think it’s fair that he can’t be pleased (again, the guilt trip comes into play). Can I have some advice? Leaving isn’t an option at the moment. I feel like I have nothing without him. No money, no where to go, no family. He has full support on his side and money. I feel like he will be able to have full custody of our child because he’ll have a stable home with income for our child. I feel trapped 😞