Hey girls..so I’m about to be completely honest on here because I feel like I can’t express this to anyone in my actual life and I just need to feel not so alone. I hope you understand.

I just found out I’m pregnant about 3 days ago, and although most women would be so excited about that, I’m not. Simply because I had a miscarriage 3 months back. I am so paranoid of losing this baby. Seeing the positive, having my Dr confirm, my fiancé being over the moon excited about it is just giving me such a heavy amount of sadness because I’m so scared I will lose it. I am so scared my body will fail me again and I will have to tell him, I lost it. My symptoms are different then my last aside from being out of breath. My boobs did hurt the first day I found out, but have gotten better since then.. I feel a little nauseous but that’s it. My dr asked me to come in tomorrow to get my blood drawn again and make sure my levels are doubling as they should but I’m just SO scared they aren’t. I’ve been having cramps, period like cramps today and although I had that my last pregnancy I’m so scared they’re the cramps I had before my miscarriage instead of the ones at the start of my pregnancy. I just don’t know the difference. And I know no one can give me a clear answer and I will just have to wait and see, but I am terrified of losing this one. I never even coped with my previous loss, I just started working more. I got more invested in my job. And shut out my feelings. And now that I’m pregnant again it’s like I’m coming to terms with my loss, along with having a new pregnancy and it’s all so overwhelming. This month I had given up on trying, I accepted defeat and I didn’t even test or check DPO. I just took a test cause I felt sick and boom-pregnant. I have no clue how far along I am because we’d just been having sex so random. My HCG level was 23 yesterday..so I’m assuming I’m 2-4 weeks. But even then, i’m so nervous to check my numbers and watch them rise or lower.

I know I probably sound so dramatic, but I am having such a difficult time in my head and in my heart. I do want this baby but I will never feel secure in my pregnancy until I hold him/her. I miscarried at 7 weeks, i feel like that is so far away from now. I don’t know how I will make it.

If anyone has any tips as to how they helped calm themselves with a pregnancy following loss, I am all ears. If anyone has taken any medication or supplements to help prevent miscarriage please let me know.

I am terrified of being excited.