Feel bad for the past need advice

So in the beginning of me and my current boyfriend knowing each other we were friends with benefits . And it felt like he played with my feelings a lot because he treated me like a boyfriend but would never commit . And I cried a lot , and I also think he used to encourage me to see other people. And I think right BEFORE he said “ok I guess” ( in a not to friendly tone) to dating me (which he was still hesitant about it it seemed like anyways).

I slept with this random guy on a dating app. Because I was trying to move forward and not get my feelings hurt . This was 19 year old me . I’m 21 now. But I talked about it with him recently I have really bad anxiety and get paranoid about dates and times etc .. and freaking about it if it happened beforehand or not like before he said “ok I guess” to going out with me. Which I believe he did because I slightly remembering texting a friend saying that I felt guilty about this in the past when this happened and she said that it didn’t matter cuz we weren’t dating .

ANYWAYS fast forward to now almost two years together . He said I’m lucky I didn’t tell him back then because He wouldn’t of said “okay I guess” to going out with me.

And now I just feel terrible and been crying for weeks on end . But I felt like he was playing me at the time :(

please no judgment .