Recently just split from my boyfriend on the 4th of September, it was mutual because we’ve been arguing a lot and are both super low in our mental health individually lately and it was starting to affect our relationship. This year alone we have had 2 miscarriage and the most recent one was in august. We were both devastated so much this time around as we are both super young and so excited to have a second chance to start our family together. Unfortunately this miscarriage was very traumatic and I ended up having an incomplete miscarriage. I was bleeding out so badly one morning and had to go to the hospital.( I’ll spare the explicit details ) I ended up needing emergency surgery to remove the pregnancy tissue and stop the bleeding. Sadly as in NZ this all happened on the first day of our level 4 lockdown, we had just returned from Auckland as well so we close contacts to Covid and he couldn’t even come to the hospital with me during the entire time. Anyways, I was already feeling super down about losing the pregnancy and felt like I had to relive it and I am traumatised by the entire experience. We’ve really drifted apart and I felt so alone, even after I had returned home. Hence why we decided to split.

Now this is what’s really getting to me, the first week we split he completely changed from wanting to end on good terms to fully pushing me away, hurting my feelings and being rude and mean towards me. Longest week of my life. Once that first weekend rolled around we saw Each other in person and established that we do still love each other ect and want to make things work once we’ve worked on our mental health. Turns out during those 7 days of being “ broken up “ he went and saw not one but TWO of his exes, obviously victimised himself for some empathy about everything to boost his self of steam and try and force himself to get over me quicker ( his words not mine ) and kissed them. I didn’t ask him for details because I am so angry and feel betrayed by him. He said by doing that he realised he doesn’t want anyone else, he knows he shouldn’t have done what he did etc. it is what it is and it’s done now, I can’t change anything and neither can he. He got the answers he was looking for in himself by doing that so it’s not a complete loss. I’m just so insecure now that he went to the two people I wouldn’t expect him too just to throw me under the bus really. He wants to be loyal to me again and work things out and so do I but I need to find a way to forgive and move forward. If I can’t get over this then we really won’t work. I also really can’t be bothered explaining all the Nitty-gritty details to everyone as it’s so much more complete than what I just written here.

I don’t even know if anyone will read this and care or even say anything but I just really need to put it out there and make myself feel better but also see if there’s anyone out there that can possibly understand where I’m coming from and maybe shed some light on my situation and to help me forgive or to help me move on.

I am at a complete loss here and torn within myself. We haven’t gotten back together “ officially “ but we agree that we still need some space still and and gradually chip away at things as we go. We both have heaps of mental health issues that are completely different to each other and need to work on first. Prior to all the loss we just experienced our relationship was almost perfect in my eyes. Almost magical and just worked so well. Mental health is a cunt and I already knew this but he’s just made things 10x to even rebuild where we had left things