so my boyfriend and i are really excited to have kids one day, but we both decided it’d be better to wait a good few years, as i’m about to start college and we’re just really not in the right place to have kids right now. so last week i started bleeding and cramping really bad, and it confused me. i had just had my period two weeks before but it was super light, and so the fact that i was bleeding again was slightly worrisome. the first day wasn’t bad, but then the second day it was horrible, i had to change my shorts five times in a day because i just wouldn’t stop bleeding. i called my gyn, but they said they wouldn’t be able to see me due to power outages because of the hurricane (i live in south louisiana where ida just hit). i spoke with the on call nurse and she asked me all the routine questions, she was very thorough. after telling her everything she said that more than likely, i was having a miscarriage. the bleeding that i thought was my period was probably implantation bleeding. i immediately felt sad, empty. how could i not even know? the first thing i did was tell my boyfriend and he was very nonchalant about it. his mindset is well if we didn’t know about it, there’s no reason to be upset. but i keep thinking about all of the what if’s. the day after the phone call, my boyfriend came to pick me up (we live in different states). we were talking with my parents and i excused myself to the bathroom. when i sat down, there it was. right in front of my face. it looked like a huge blood clot but lighter, and much bigger than a normal clot. i felt breathless, like the wind had been knocked out of me. i cleaned myself up, and got back to my family, like nothing even happened. the bleeding stopped soon after everything had passed. i feel sad, empty, somehow guilty? i feel broken that there was nothing i could do to save this. i found out i was pregnant and having a miscarriage on the same day. i found out too late. i smoked, i drank, i did drugs. i did everything a pregnant woman isn’t supposed to do because i had no idea. in my head, i killed my baby. my ignorance to the situation killed them. my boyfriend keeps telling me not to blame myself but it’s so hard not to. i just keep thinking about how good of a dad he would be, and how much i would love my baby. would it have my eyes or his? would it have blonde hair like him, or brown like me? i feel like it’s eating me alive. i never wanted this to happen.