Why the fuck am I this way, why do I get jealous of women who get pregnant... I've been trying so long for baby number 2, that it's become a schedule for me each month. Preparing for the one line on the test mixed with the disappointment that follows... The hatred I have for myself each time because I know it's my body's fault and there's nothing I can do... To see my husband so excited each month with hope and to be let down when AF shows her ugly fucking face I'm so mad right now! I just need to vent! I don't hate any woman that gets pregnant. Im happy for them to experience the love and joy that I've gotten to experience and it makes me hate myself because I hold it all back at the baby showers and gatherings until I get home and cry because I just feel hopeless... I look at my two year old and hope and wish for another baby to have him grow up with and protect to expand our family like I've always wanted and my husband. We've always wanted two, our first was planned, we were together 10 years unprotected, trying and trying. And now what? I have to wait another ten plus years for another miracle to happen? I feel so lost and so hopeless. Tomorrow is my last day of af and I don't even think I wanna try anymore I can see my husband lose hope each month. I can see the hurt in his eyes too. It breaks my heart. Please no hate. I'm hating myself enough.