Anyone else fed up with this?!

Question

Is anyone else fed up with the pressure that comes with milestones and how it seems like anything and everything is a sign for autism? 
I’m a FTM, I’ve been a nanny for years on top of working in day camps/child care, etc. 
I have an 18m old son and it drives me nuts how missing/delayed certain milestones is a concern, then when you bring up concerns it’s always “well we will see how it’s goes/wait till next appt/he seems like a totally normal baby” is always the response and then the same shit happens at the next appt .  If the medical field is putting our milestones and then making autism spectrum questionnaires, but then pushing things off or saying it’s not not normal, why do we have all this BS to compare our children to?! 
Every child is different, and no three signs ever seem to be the same, there’s no black and white on what 100% is an autism concern or what’s normal behavior and it just seems like you never get a straight answer. It’s driving me crazy! 
My son use to do something, then it goes away for a while but months later comes back. He’s very independent in that he physically is very advanced, he enjoys walking around he store and doing what he wants. He does not like you to physically force him to do something - stack blocks, play with toys a certain way, or move him for what’s he was doing. He will keep doing something until he’s accomplished his goal- climbing all the way up something or making a toy figure stand on its own on the table or couch. He use to point but now he will only point if something is clearly out of his and I’s reach. Otherwise he will find a way to get it himself or stretch out his whole hand to say he wants it. He obviously ignores us when he’s watching a show, eventually he’ll look over but he’s also a boy who plays with things and is focused and that’s normal for them not to respond right away. But what’s the cut off of yes he’s ignoring you, to oh he’s autistic.... 
It’s so frustrating!! Everything with him is occasionally and sometimes, never a hard no. He doesn’t care to wave, did for a little and then was over it, same with sign language and high fives and clapping, clapping and the sign for more just started coming back, he will tell us no by moving his hand back and forth and shaking his head. He’s starting to say yes, babbling so much more than before so he’s getting close and improving there. But then there’s all this other BS to makes us concerned and then their doctors seem to never really be worried.... I know I need to stop reading into things and searching but then I feel like a bad mom for not checking things. Just feels like we can never win or breathe a sigh of comfortability until they are over 5 cause then they are out of the “diagnosis” window. 
Damn you internet!! 
Sorry for the rant, I’m just frustrated

Answer

Pediatricians are not specialists in autism or speech delays. There are experts out there for a reason. If you have concerns that your child is behind, I would be proactive and advocate for your child by reaching out to a speech therapist, etc. My son had a flat head and my pediatrician pushed it off so I reached out to an orthotist myself and he had severe plagiocephaly. The reason a lot of kids aren't diagnosed with autism until a later age is because the parents listened to their pediatrician even though they had concerns. Usually your intuition is right as a mother. You're the one with them 24/7 and sees if something is off.

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No. I have a brother who has autism and developmental delays was the biggest red flag that led to his diagnosis. I’ve seen it in a lot of other kids too. So I’d rather have a doctor be a little over protective then too lax 🤷🏼‍♀️

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I think most of this is self induced by the parent with constant comparisons.

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My son is the same age and we’re going through the exact same things. I feel ya.

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It seems like this is pressure you're putting on yourself add not external pressure if your pediatricians aren't concerned. Yes, children develop at different rates, the milestones are an average and most kids got some early, some "on time", and some late. My kids are late walkers. If my daughter isn't walking independently in about 2 weeks we're supposed to take her back to the pediatrician. She's not worried, but we both agree it's better to have her evaluated to make sure it's nothing than let it go until something really becomes a problem.

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Agree with other posters on asking a new doctor  or asking to see a specialist, just to put your mind at ease. Maybe you can get some peace of mind; they will probably either tell you there's no concerns or to watch him and come back later. This sounds really stressful for you, and it could be good to reach out and see if you are worried for no reason. 
I also read through some of your replies and seriously don't beat yourself up over him watching too much tv. Now you are aware of it and I feel like his age now is actually even more important to engage with his toys and people and keep screen time to a minimum. From what I understand their brains can't really process what's going on on a screen before 2 years anyway. It was just noise for him before and it's never too late to just restart and get more educational toys, read books etc!

Answer

I hear you. Milestones can be frustrating but they can also be helpful. After smiling and laughing early, my middle son missed all social milestones (clapping, pointing, waving, talking, responding to his name) and it was part of the reason I knew he had autism at 15 months. Though I was brushed off forever by the pediatrician because "look at him, he smiles at you and makes eye contact with you, he doesn't have autism." But he still doesn't talk, wave, point, clap, or respond to his name at 3 so the pediatrician was finally like "OK, I hear you."
But the talking milestone was super frustrating with my first because he does not have autism and was just a late talker, but of course I worried! He's 4 now and talks the normal amount, just doesn't pronounce as well as other children.
Milestones have been frustrating with my 15 m/o too because he pulled up and cruised late and also hasn't said any words yet. So part of me is saying he is fine and the other knows that I already have a kid with autism and I'm more likely to have another kid with autism. But he's hit the big milestones my middle one missed, he's just not talking, so the milestones have eased my mind a little.

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I’m not saying milestones are pointless by any means, but what’s frustrating is how if your kid hasn’t hit 3/8 there are each appt, that’s it’s not concerning but then when you search what your kid is behind/delayed in its autism, then you ask your doctor and it’s “well you need to take everything with a grain of salt/we’ll check at the next appt/he seems fine and it’s normal to be behind in some areas for his age” 
My kid just seems to be so off/on with everything I don’t know where that falls on the spectrum/normality of development so I’m just frustrated that I feel like I can’t find the answer and that his MDs aren’t concerned to find out if that makes sense? 
My friends daughter is autistic and you could tell from a very young age something was different about her. I don’t think my son resembles her by any means from what I recall of her at his age but I’m bothered since he’s proving to not be super consistent with communication or waving, or signing/ giving high fives, but then keeps eye contact, will try to continue little games we play, likes to sit in our laps, hugs, kisses, will come to me when he’s hurt sometimes, enjoys being around other people, babies and watches kids his age play and stare at them, I can go on and on.... it’s just hard cause more than half the time he’s “normal” then there’s just these few things that could be issues. I want to pin it down already and help my child if needed professionally or be able to say confidently I’m not worried about anything and let it go. 
Girl can dream I guess

Answer

1 of my children has autism and it was found because of her milestones. It also wasn’t dismissed because of milestones. She had some sensory things and I kept telling her pediatrician and they kept telling me she was too young. Finally before her 10th birthday I went on my own for an evaluation.
I think people want to see the typical autism signs and that’s fine but not every asd kid fits that mold. Girls are harder to get a diagnosis for. Young kids and even babies can be harder to get a diagnosis for. It’s not cut and dry “ do they flap their arms? Ok ASD then!”

Answer

My number 1 advixe with healthcare is if you dont like your dr GET A NEW ONE there is zero reason to stay with a provider if they do not listen to your concerns.  But also take a breath each child is indeed different my oldest son is somewhat like youve mentioned.   Theres a lot he doesnt do simply bc he can do it himself.   He is speach delayed.    We had one dr who was flipping out over his delay and sent him to like 3 diff specialists who were confused as to why they were seeing him.    Then our new dr is not as concerned but is closely tracking his inprovment or lack of.   So try talking with a new dr and see if you can get some answers to help you be at ease whether that is ease of your concern or answers and looking into the potential problems

Anyone else fed up with this?!

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