This whole pregnancy has just felt surreal. Like I know I’m pregnant, I’m 37+3 weeks today and there’s definitely a tiny body in there dancing around, I had all the usual pregnancy things, overall the actual pregnancy hasn’t been different from my previous ones, but it’s felt different. It’s felt unreal and strange for lack of a better word.

It’s so weird with my others I had dreams about them while I was pregnant(quite accurate dreams when it came to sex even with my first which I didn’t find out the sex till birth) and in general I just knew I was having a baby and it felt whole and right. This time around it’s just felt so uncertain and like I’m pregnant but not? There really is no way to explain it but it’s a strange feeling.

I suspect it is related to the fact that my other 3 kids were planned pregnancies, they were very much wanted at that exact time. This one however, as wanted as he is, I had planned on waiting for him for a few more years. This is my first unplanned pregnancy, I even considered not going through with it cause the timing wasn’t what I wanted but abortion just wasn’t something I personally could go through with(though I am strongly pro choice). the whole pregnancy has just been surreal.

Now I may be getting induced tomorrow due to high BP and protein in my urine, another first, the other pregnancies went smoothly with no complications. To top it off my husband leaves today for a camp job where he’ll be gone for 14 days at a time, so I’m going to be labouring alone this time around, cause even if they don’t induce me on Friday I’m getting induced on the 30th(39+5) because I have short labour’s and live 2 hours away from the hospital. So either way my hubby will be missing the birth.

I’m not ready to be induced, I have a plan for the kids for the week of my planned induction and if I get induced tomorrow I can’t implement my plan fast enough for it to be any use. I just not ready! And that’s so strange because by this time I was so ready with each of the previous babies.

It just feels like it’s all so much right now and I feel very alone in trying to make sure everything works out.