Im such a sad pathetic thing. Im fat, im ugly, im disabled and don't even work, and still can't keep things together at home because of being such a little bitch because of my pain.

My husband is a good man and I don't deserve him. I domt even have kids to excuse why im struggling. I've miscarried 3 times just to add to more reasons why im a piece of crap.

I just need to be tougher and push through things so that I can get our home in order and to do all the homemaker things that I should have been doing all along. I've just been so pathetic and not carrying my weight. My husband has been rightly frustrated and instead of taking the critique (which is given much more kindly than I deserve) and fixing myself, I've fought back and called it "being mean."

Its not "being mean" if its true. Im so disgusting and I should have been better than this. If getting everything done puts me in pain or in a flare its what I deserve it for not being good enough to do it before. I was always told growing up that I deserved to be beaten every day, I guess since I got a kind man that wouldn't ever do that, it only makes sense that my own body beats me. I just need to toughen up and be a good wife and not a pathetic piece of trash.

Also don't suggest therapy. It doesn't work. They all abandon me telling me that I'm perfectly fine and that these are fine feelings and unless I want to kill myself I don't deserve their help and that im wasting their time. I don't want to kill myself I just want to be what my husband deserves, and I'm not. He'll never leave me because he's so kind but ill never be good enough.