I know probably nobody will ever see this lol but here goes nothing. 😬 It’s gonna be a loooong one but bear with me please…it’s a story with a lot of time and curves in it.

I met my ex husband when I was desperate to be loved. We were together almost 5 years, and we were married for 4 of those 5.

He made me feel terrible.

About myself.

About my job.

About my lack of time to dedicate towards cleaning our home when he worked less than me (or could be home all day on his day off and sleep until 3 or 4 pm then wake up and game until I got home).

Just…about everything honestly.

Towards the end, he on an at least a weekly basis, he would say: “it’s not that you’re unattractive but—” and he would say whatever came to his mind after that. Because in his mind; he was trying “to be helpful” because he “loved” me, and if I took offense, that was my own problem because CLEARLY he didn’t mean any harm by what he said. 🙄😑 He also told me I wasn’t funny, to which I would say “well I think I’m funny.” (PS people do think I’m a riot. They’ve told me they look forward to when I comment because I make them laugh and they would watch a podcast if I made one)

I had gained about 100 pounds during the course of our relationship and I couldn’t drop the weight no matter what I tried. My skin had broken out like I was a teenager and I couldn’t clear it up either.

This was me before we met:

This was me right before we split:

(Edited to add pictures of the acne so you can see that too)

…

…

Big difference there, eh?

I lost myself.

I hated myself.

I hated my life.

I hadn’t had sex in 3 years going on 4, and that on top of everything else previously mentioned…my self confidence was at a negative 10. I wanted to curl up in a hole. I went to bed every night and hoped I wouldn’t wake up in the morning (which, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea at the end of the relationship so it could have been a very real possibility at the time). He made me feel like the scum of the earth.

I wasn’t blameless in the relationship either. I did things wrong and I will be the first to admit to that. I wasn’t a great wife, but I was doing my best while at my wits end and while stretched to my absolute limit in every means possible. I was expected to: work 40+ hours (and if someone needed to take on a second or third job, it had to be me because he wouldn’t pay for more child support, which is why he also wouldn’t get a job over $10/hr for pay); pay for all of the bills (he only covered gas and electric. He never even paid for his phone after he got onto my phone plan about a year or so into our relationship after saying he would); watch his daughter on the weekends at his grandmas while he worked (yeah…he wouldn’t tell the places he worked that he was unavailable on weekends or Sundays or whatever so he could see his daughter during his visitation time. He would work until like 5 or 6 then get home, play with her for 20 minutes, then sit on his phone the rest of the night until he got ready to put her to bed at 10 or 11 pm—a 18 month old when we met and he never got her to bed before 10 most nights); cook; AND clean. I would leave the house at 7 am because I worked an hour from our home, and I wouldn’t get home until about 6 or 7 pm, sometimes later. I’m not sure when I was expected to cook and clean when I was literally never home…but ya know, live and learn.

I had wanted a divorce since the first year of marriage and in several explosive arguments we had, I had mentioned that maybe we needed one. Well apparently it just wasn’t convenient for him yet lol because he suddenly asked for one 2 years ago now. I agreed of course, I had wanted out for years and I had been mentally and emotionally beaten to a pulp long enough.

So I walked out that door and I never looked back.

Fast forward 2 years and I’m sitting in bed with my cat from my previous marriage in my lap, my actual soulmate asleep next to me, and our newest rescue is somewhere in the bedroom too lol. I’m down 70 pounds (I lost like 10 or 15 the first month I separated from my ex). My skin has cleared up. My cat gets to sleep with me now (she was never allowed previously), and I got to rescue an orphaned kitten recently. My spouse cleans the litter box even (I always had to before)!! He helps me cook and clean without complaints. He tells me how beautiful I am all the time. How lucky HE is to be with ME! I get regular sex (and head for me is always a given!!!), and I never have to question if he finds me attractive because I could bend over and he see my butt and pop a boner lol.

I don’t have to worry if he’s being loyal both emotionally and physically (I actually think my ex was having an affair and it gets really gross how he like flaunted his sexual wins and people flirting with him afterwards), and while I have PTSD from my ex snooping in my phone to pick fights with me at 3 and 4 am when I’m trying to sleep for work, I don’t have to have a panic whenever he does open my phone. I still get the initial rush of panic even though I have nothing to hide and he has my passcode, but the point is that I don’t have to have that panic if I can get over the PTSD from before.

He makes me feel calm and content. I’m genuinely happy for the first time in a really, really long time. Did I mention he’s the first super serious relationship I ever had and I was his? We met back in 2008 and split way back when due to my bringing home poor grades after being with him, and because I moved. He messaged me about 6 months after I announced my divorce and admitted he still had feelings and would like to talk and meet up to see how things went. We’ve been inseparable since. 🥺 We’ve spent almost every day together since that initial meet up (which was as if no time had passed), and we’ve been a couple since that day. He asked me to marry him and I said yes of course. He’s everything I ever wanted and the exact opposite of my ex husband. And while I hate that we had to spend 11 years apart, I’m glad that we did so we could appreciate each other in our entirety and not take the things we do for each other for granted. I can’t imagine anyone I would rather go through my life with or to bear children for than this man. 🥺 I am eternally grateful that I get to have another chance with him and to get to grow old with him. He’s my best friend and my person. He lets me be myself and encourages me to be myself. He is my biggest cheerleader and I love him so much.

We will have been together again for 2 years this May! And if I haven’t crushed your spirits and then dosed you full of diabetes worthy cringe love story enough, last year my anniversary gift was a full years worth of daily reasons why I love him—something I tried to do with my ex and couldn’t even get halfway through, but this time I had an easy time and kept a log of any time he made me smile, laugh or just feel good about myself. An example is below:

Now whatcha all have been waiting for:

Peep that difference post toxic marriage break up 👀

You can see in my eyes that I’m just kind of there on auto pilot before. At a wedding I was a MOH in too. Which btw he was supposed to go to but didn’t and we split up the next weekend so now I understand why at least lol.

And here is my current SO! (He hates his picture being taken 🙄😂)

He is a goof like me 😂

Just look at the way he looks at me. 🥺 taken during our engagement shoot:

Anyway! If you’ve been wanting to do something but were afraid to do it, this is your sign to do it. I was terrified to get a divorce and especially when so young, but it turned out to be the best decision ever made. 🖤❤️ Keep your heads up babes and don’t lose hope! 🖤❤️