So I first want to say that I absolutely love my boyfriend.. he is such a good man, he has an amazing personality, great sense of humor, very handsome, hard working, kind and caring and just everything I could ever want in a man..

when we got together we would talk about having kids and getting married and even went as far as talking about potential names for children if we had any.. We talked about getting married and what we would want for our wedding and I thought that meant he wanted kids and wanted to get married. We would both initiate those conversations... and we would talk about that and our future together all the time...

I ended up having a pregnancy scare about a year ago (I missed my period for a few months. I took several tests and got mixed results) and literally the day before I was going to tell him about the pregnancy scare, he told me he didn’t want kids with me... and had a laundry list of all of the reasons why... (the state of the world, they are expensive, he already has kids with his ex, and a lot more) it absolutely broke my heart but I have been trying to accept it...

I feel like he was more then happy to have kids with his ex, who was a horrible person to him.. but with me.. I am not good enough... I have given everything to this man and this is what we went into the relationship talking about and I thought we were on the same page...

his family keeps asking me when we are going to get married and when we are going to have kids and I’ve just started telling them no we aren’t, he doesn’t want to get married or have children and they just go ohh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to pry.... and I’m sorry but I don’t really feel bad about telling them the situation if they want they can talk to him about it...

Every time one of them asks or asks me again it is like the wound is reopened... I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about it several times like why don’t you want more kids? is it me? What changed for you? and he just gives me the same list of reasons or a bunch more reasons.. which guts me so I have now turned off my emotions towards it as much as I can... but if there is a cute kid he is more then happy to say how cute I remember when my kids were that age and starts going into how wonderful it is to raise kids and how wonderful his kids are... also he keeps joking about oh you are moody, are you pregnant? Or something along those lines and I say umm no you have made it very clear you don’t want kids or if he makes a comment about having kids now I say no we are not having children.. and he goes well you don’t know that...

I am not sure if he is fucking with me or if he is changing his mind now that I am accepting that we aren’t having kids (I do not want kids with someone who doesn’t want kids with me) but even if he is changing his mind again it is not fair to me to put me through all of that shit just to change his mind again rather then just saying he wants to wait until he is sure either way....

Idk I am accepting that I’m not going to have children with him even just because of this whole thing I have decided for myself I am not going to have kids with him because what happens if he changes his mind half way through or what if he blames me for how stressful children are and starts resenting me for having kids....so as much as it breaks my heart I am not going to have his children...

but also here is the other thing... he hasn’t proposed yet or anything but if he does I don’t know if I would say yes... because of the kid thing... is that fair to him to be with him if I do not intend on marrying him? I am completely committed to him and I want to be with him regardless but I don’t know if I should ever legally bind myself to someone if we are not on the same page about children...

Even though this is a very important thing to be on the same page about I love him weather that means not having kids just to not have to deal with bullshit or if he decides he wants kids again... (idk I would seriously have to think about it at that point and it would take a lot of convincing from him that he wants kids with me which I know will never happen) but I do love him and I am willing to work through whatever we need to work through I just don’t know if I am being fair on my end... idk what do you think?