I don't want to be a JW anymore

I'm thankful for the anonymous feature.. I mean my name on here isn't my real name but this feels better.

I was born and raised a JW. Except my Dad never took to the religion. Parents eventually divorced. Courts decided I had to live with my Dad.. and even as a JW we celebrated holidays.. even when I lived with my mom.. we celebrated holidays.

Now I'm 30, I have 3 kiddos and I'm married to a jw. I miss the holidays, I miss the family get togethers, I feel like my kids are missing out. On Halloween my oldest watched all the kids all dressed up on our street out the window quietly for an HOUR straight and I felt bad. Now he's talking about Santa, and decorating our house pretty with lights, then he says "but we can't tell Dad we have to hide it from him"

I don't have friends in my congregation, and when I did or I do hangout with someone it's constantly just trying to impress or one up each other.. I have non JW friends and they actually talk to me like I'm human and we laugh, and have a great time. My best friend from highschool still talks to me and hangs out with me. But my first jw friend I made.. i was always treated like a "little sister" she'd even use a baby voice when talking to me (we were the same age) because she's progressed faster then me, started pioneering and moved to Italy and got married.

My mom, who's fully a JW again now.. I confronted her in a lie shortly after my youngest was born.. it's now been 3years that she won't talk to me and IDK what I did wrong, to everyone I'm the cookie cutter JW no one knows these feeling I have including my mom and all I did was confront her in a VERY hurtful lie and she's shunned me.. my dad (again NOT thr JW) who I know I've hurt many times being a JW he's still got my back whenever I need he still video calls me every weekend to talk.

Sorry, I just need to vent.. this isn't the whole reason why I want to leave.. I just needed to tell someone.