I didn’t stop him so it must be cheating

I had my childhood best friend over which isn’t anything new because we grew up together and now that covid is dying down he wanted to see my family and grandparents. I asked my boyfriend when my friend reached out and my boyfriend said, “i dont care, he’s just a friend” and that made em happy knowing I didn’t have to end a life long friendship. My friend came over and we were all having a good time until my family left and it was just him and me. We were watching a movie and reminiscing on old times when all of a sudden he kissed me. It was all a blur on how it happened but my body froze. He touched me and I told him I needed the bathroom so I got up and left and cried. I came back and just sat down and didn’t say a word until he goes, “is everything ok?” Then I started yelling and crying even harder saying I just cheated on my fucking boyfriend. He was saying that it wasn’t my fault because he came onto me but I feel to blame because I didn’t stop it. My body felt like it was paralyzed. This feeling has only ever happened to me once before and it was a few years ago when i went to the movies with a guy I was into and he had held my arms down and touched me, I wanted to scream and cry and get up and run but my body froze. And the worst part, I still don’t hate my friend. I hate what he did and the situation he put me in but I still love him. I wasn’t going to tell my boyfriend but I texted him after and asked if he could stop by for a little bit and he did and that’s what I told him. I was saying how much I hate myself and he didn’t say anything back, he just let me demean myself. This was the text I got from my boyfriend.

I need someone to talk to considering my childhood friend feels terrible and i unadded him on snap and regretted it so i added him back and he blocked me… i texted him and i have no answer. I cant talk to my boyfriend and he asked that i keep this between us for now but I need someone to tall to and i have lost my best friend and my boyfriend doesn’t want me to text him. I don’t know what to do. I just hate myself and i hate even more that I let this happen.