QUESTION FOR PARENTS OF MULTIPLE CHILDREN: Do you expect your siblings and parents to have the same kind of relationship with all of your children as they do others? Or are you okay with the relationships all being different and unique?

Question

I have always had a better bond with my niece than with my nephew. I don’t neglect our relationship and I love him equally, but my relationship with him is much different than with my niece and I am just closer to her but their parents won’t let me be involved as much anymore since he has been born because I “favor” my niece apparently, even though I always include nephew, at least try. I always try to show equal attention and when it comes to gifts I always make that equal as well. But if I post a picture of my niece without nephew in it, they get butt hurt. I can’t even take my niece out for a girls day because her brother, who’s not even 3, can’t be told no and it would “hurt his feelings”…. And they try to make me a bad guy for not offering to take both.. Meanwhile their mom (my SIL) takes her own niece out for girls days without her nephew, but it’s wrong for me to ask to do it with mine….. 
So I’m wondering how everyone else feels about it.
(Side note: I have a son the same age as my nephew. They’re not 3 yet, so it makes it more difficult to take on my own son, my nephew, and my niece all at the same time, too. She is going on 7 and is a little easier to handle.)

Answer

I think it’s ok to take just one or the other sometimes, but I’m guessing you don’t ever take the nephew out one on one and that’s the issue. If you take just your niece out one weekend, you should take just your nephew out next time. If the parents can feel the favoritism, so can your nephew. You can’t grow your relationship with your nephew if you aren’t putting any effort in besides just giving gifts.

Answer

So being he's only 3 and she's 7, I can definitely see why there may be a difference in who you like more. For me personally, it's so much easier to bond with a child that's not yours once they start getting to a school age. I think it's okay to have different relationships with different siblings, I do think my oldest will probably have a bit of favoritism from family because he has DS. Weird to say but I can see it from them. That being said, they don't treat my youngest any different 😊 I've read some of your comment replies, if you treat them the same, how do the parents know you favor the daughter? I mean there must be something going on because why wouldn't they allow you to see them if you treat them both the same??

Answer

I think its okay to be different to an extent. Obviously its not ok to clearly favorite one over others. If you want to take just your niece out since she's a little older and easier to handle along with your own son, I think you should be able to do that but then find something to do with your nephew at another time. Same with photos, if you post one with just your niece thats fine but then try to post one with just your nephew at some point too. I think its weird to expect the siblings to literally always go everywhere together, be in every photo together, etc but I can understand getting upset if its clear favoritism and the other child never gets the same special attention.

Answer

My 3 year old would be upset if her sister got to go, but not her. In a way I do see her point. But if she's doing the same with her own niece and nephew, thats the pot calling the kettle black here, and her philosophy seems null and void lol

Answer

You admit you live the niece more. The parents have noticed the favouritism too. I think you need to balance it out despite your feelings. It is the responsibility of parents to protect their kids, both of them. So they are right in controlling the favouritism if they talked to you about it and you didn't improve.

Answer

I think it’s okay to have a different bond with your niece since you have done more with her . It’s good you still give them equal gifts and all. I feel them not allowing you guys to have your time like before is going to do more harm then good. I suggest also trying to have those bonding times with your nephew as well! I know he’s young but maybe your brother and sister in law would feel more comfortable if you also did things with just your nephew . Switch off maybe , one time take her then the next take him. I’m sure it will still be a different bond but at least it will be 100 percent equal . I have a different relationship with my 4 year old nephew then I do with his 1 year old sister . But I’m sure my bond with her will grow as she gets older . However I don’t understand how your sister in law literally does the same thing but then gets mad with you . That’s hypocritical .

Answer

My oldest feels more comfortable talking to my younger sister than others, sometimes. He’s also got an insanely close relationship with my best friend. 
Not every personality meshes all the time. As long as you aren’t openly favoring one over the other, and making memories with both, I wouldn’t feel bad.

Answer

They're different ages and different people with different personalities.  So yes it's okay to be different as long as they're loved the same. Some days the you can spend with the nephew and bond, some days can be spent with the neice and bond. Some days you can go out with the both of them. It doesn't mean you love one over the other. But especially them being 4 years apart, there are things the 7 year old can do that the 3 year old can't do and vice versa.

Answer

My perspective; my older brother was the favorite of most of our family growing up and it hurt me so much when I was little. They were "equal" (for the most part) with gifts and stuff as you said you were, but as the less liked kid, you feel it. The attention isnt the same even if they try. I totally agree that every relationship is different, but just be aware that the less liked child WILL know it and feel it. It definitely messed with me when I was younger, made me a people pleaser, and took years for me to just get over.

Answer

Do you ever take just the nephew out?

QUESTION FOR PARENTS OF MULTIPLE CHILDREN: Do you expect your siblings and parents to have the same kind of relationship with all of your children as they do others? Or are you okay with the relationships all being different and unique?

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