TW…..

I’m going to preface this with, I have no friends and no one to talk too, so I’m really just putting this out there cause I need to acknowledge an epiphany I had today.

This is gonna be long.. lol…

In July of this year something pretty devastating happened to me and my family, it involved my best friend… courts.. my being suspended from work on an internal investigation (it’s still going on, but court is over), all on made up lies.

This devastated our family (my husband and kids), I lost my income and most of the people I have been socializing for the past 10 years.

I’ve always suffered from bouts of depression, have some pretty gnarly PTSD from my 17 years in foster care and being “seggs” trafficked as teen by my bio mom. I also, as an adult have had bouts of wanting to unalive myself.

In July it hit me, like really hard. I planned it out, was making sure my life insurance was in place and that a living will was in order.

I called for emergency help, I got into therapy, a psychiatrist, and was on medication. I was ok, struggling everyday with the thoughts, but ok.

October 4th I found out I was pregnant, and not once has the thought of unaliving myself crossed my mind. we had tried for 5 years.. got pregnant last year with a early loss and I was for sure it just wasn’t in the stars for us. But he’s here, I’m 14 weeks… but I’m struggling… struggling to feel connected, to feel pregnant. Like I still don’t believe it. My husband doesn’t understand, he wants to pick a name and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel it.

Today while I was driving, it hit me…. The truth is, I don’t feel like I deserve him. After everything that’s happened/happening, how can this beautiful baby come and make everything ok. I’m afraid I’ll ruin it somehow, so if I don’t get connected, it won’t be as hard to process. I know it’s not true.. but now I have something to work with. And I know I have some work to do, before he gets here. There’s a reason for everything and it the timing it should.