Get out of my head (giant rant to my ex)

When will you stop filling my thoughts?

When will I stop seeing you in everything?

I’m so tired. Tired of thinking of you. Tired of reminiscing of what we were. Tired of thinking of what we could’ve been. I’m so tired of you.

The thought of you torments me day & night. I can’t go a day without you popping into my head at least once. It’s been 1yr & 3months since we broke up. Since we’ve seen each other. Since we’ve spoken. & yet, 455 days later & you’re still fresh in my mind. I’m tired of this. I just want to have a day when I’m not reminded of you but everything I see is you. From Lego to Star Wars to our inside jokes to our special spots, you’re always there, reminding me of you & us. If I see a tall guy or something german related I straight away spiral into our past. When will these things stop reminding me of you? When will I finally look at these things & just see them as the things that they are instead of you? Remember, nothing has meaning except for the meaning we give it.

I’m lost & confused if I’m over you or just pretending to. I’ve been with other guys, talked to other guys, slept with other guys & kissed other guys after you & ik I wouldn’t be able to do any of that if I was still in love with you, so why is there still a spot in my heart reserved for you? Why is my heart still waiting for you? Why does my heart still love you? Why does my heart still think it belongs to you? & maybe it’s hard to know since no one ever comes around, so I’m stuck living in our past. Will anyone ever notice & love me again?

No one tells you just how hard it actually is to get over someone. They say have a glow up. They say get fit. They say eat healthy. They say go out & have fun. They say find hobbies. I’ve done all that & I’m still thinking of you. The remedy of glowing up that society has convinced us that will help us get over our break ups is bullshit. It doesn’t work. Sure, I’m happier than ever but now, how do I get you out of my head? You’re like a virus that’s contaminated my thoughts. & it’s crazy because ik if you were to come back & ask for a second try, I’d reject it. Weird isn’t it. Weird how I’m constantly thinking of you but I wouldn’t take you back. It’s not because you were bad, you’re the best actually, it’s just that I think I’ve grown too much & have changed too much that we wouldn’t work anymore unless you’ve also changed. No one understands & I’m embarrassed to tell anyone but I just need you gone.

Ik you don’t think of me so why should I think of you? It’s so unhealthy & toxic just constantly having you in the back of my mind & I’m just doing it to myself. It’s a new year & I didn’t wanna drag the thought of you into it with me cause I’m so tired of it. But, here we are. A new year & although you aren’t physically in my life anymore, you’re here in my heart & thoughts. I need it to stop. When will it stop?

I miss the friendship part of our relationship. I keep romanticising it & it sucks. It sucks knowing that I’ll never find a bond like that again. A bond where the 2 of you just fitted perfectly like a glove. You were my other half. No one has understood me the way you did. No one’s had the same beliefs & worldview as me like the way you did. No one’s been such a blessing like the way you were. You were my twin flame. My 11:11. My 22/222. I see 22 everywhere now & i always see it as a sign from you. When will 22 just be a number & not you & us? Im tired of seeing 22 as a sign.

I hate that whenever I go out, I try look my absolute best just in case I bump into you. I hate that the thought of you still controls me. Like why should the way I look when I walk out the house be because of you? You’re not even in my life anymore. I hate that if I see a photo of us or read a past message, it still fills me with sm joy & love, as if we’re still in that moment in time. I hate this all. I tried convincing myself that I hate you so it’s easier to get over you, but how could I ever hate you? You’re an angel in disguise & I genuinely wish you all the happiness. I wish for you to find a loving & healthy relationship. I wish all your dreams come true. But I also wish we were in each other’s lives again. What do I do? I’m scared I’ll be in someone else’s arms but still be loving you. I’m scared I’m just gonna try find someone exactly like you. I’m scared I’m going to be stuck just waiting for you. I’m scared. I’m scared & I’m tired.

I crave the day when I just wake up & you’re not my first thought. I crave the day when I go to sleep without thinking of you. I crave the day that I go without thinking of you once. I crave for my mind to be quiet of you. Will you ever leave my thoughts? Please leave my thoughts.