What should we do?

Question

My husband and I adopted a little girl. It wasn’t planned. Her mom was on drugs and didn’t want her going to the state. So she asked if we would adopt and we decided to. We’ve had her since she was 3 days old and now she’s 18 months old. The problem is that me and my husband can’t agree on when/if to tell her she’s adopted. I feel like we should start telling her now that way she always knows and doesn’t feel like our relationship is built on lies. My husband in the beginning didn’t want me to tell her at all. Now he wants me to wait until she’s older. I don’t feel right keeping that from her. It feels like lying. Everybody has a right to know where they came from. Any adoptive parents have any advice? What did you do? Or anybody that was adopted as a child would you have rather grew knowing or would you have rather found out when you were older?

Answer

My aunt was adopted and grew up knowing she was. It made it easier on her. As my grandmother use to tell her “she was hand picked because she was special” the babies that came from her belly, she didn’t have a choice with. It made her feel loved. While she knew she was different, and she wasn’t biologically theirs, that she was wanted by them.

Answer

I think it should be now, the sooner the better. Finding out later in life will likely lead to resentment. Normalize it now

Answer

I’ve heard so many stories of people not telling their adoptive children they were adopted and then when the kids finally find out they have so much resentment and anger towards the adoptive parents, they feel like their entire life has been a lie, and it does a lot of damage. 
All of my friends who have adopted have been open with their children and they have very healthy, open, loving relationships

Answer

My godmother adopted a child and said most experts agree that you should tell them right away, even before they really understand so it’s never like you’ve kept anything from them

Answer

My husband adopted my son when we got married. We’ve never kept it a secret. He’s 5 now and asked for the first time about his bio father because he was saying, “I’m going to be as tall as daddy when I grow up.” His bio father is 5’9” and his dad is 6’3”. This led to talking about what gives us our looks, height, etc. and who we get them from. He asked a couple questions and I showed him a picture of his bio father. He knows that his daddy chose him!
I think keeping that a secret until she’s older will potentially harm your relationship. Honesty upfront is always best. But, I’m not here to tell you what to do, do what is best for your daughter and family! 
I will say if you chose not to tell her, are you okay lying about things she may ask:
Who do I get my hair color from?
Do I have hair like mommy or daddy? 
Will I be as tall as mommy some day?
Why do I have glasses and you don’t? 
Why do I look different than my siblings? 
Tell me about my birth story? 
Did I grow in your tummy mommy? 
Just an idea of questions that kids may ask. Are you willing to lie and have other family members lie too? Hope this helps you think about your and your husbands decision!

Answer

My husband legally adopted my daughter from my previous marriage (no contact with ex). We’re gonna tell her. She’s loved no less than his biological daughter is and treated no differently. Her adoption makes her special, and I don’t want to lie to someone I love, including my child.

Answer

The sooner they know it, the better. I know 3 persons who are adopted, the one who knew it since little didn't have problem with it, the other 2 who knew it later in life were having a hard time coping

Answer

I hope you get some great insight from people who have actually been adopted. I wasn’t adopted so my opinion doesn’t matter but a lot of people I’ve been around who have been adopted and either weren’t told and found out themselves or told when they were teens…seemed to be very hurt that they grew up believing something that wasn’t true. So for that I believe in being honest from the beginning. Also, sometimes when it comes to health it’s good to know who you came from just in case anything has the potential of being hereditary. I think it’s beyond admirable that you two took her in. All the best.

What should we do?

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