(It’s kind of long but I would really appreciate if if you read it all the way through and gave me your thoughts)

Ok so my boyfriend and I had a bit of a rough start, we started talking during covid but didn’t actually hang out in person till around 10 months after. I felt like he wasn’t putting in enough effort neither in our taking stage or during our first months of hanging out and it hurt me because I really liked him. Then we started dating and still a couple of months in he would tell me I wasn’t a priority over his friends, family, and school and would often times bail or leave me waiting. One day he realized he fucked up and promised to be better because he ended up ditching me mid event/date to go with his friends to watch a movie. That broke me and I was determined to break up with him, but he came to my house and we had a talk and he swore he’d change, and he did slowly but surely he did and he has, we’ve been dating for almost a year now.

Anyway he’s never been one to compliment or comment on anything which feeds into my insecurities, i stated to develop insecurity issues because I noticed he had a type from all his exes and girls he’s liked and about 2-3 years ago he kind of went out with my ex best friend (we stopped being friends about a year before him and I stayed talking) who looked nothing like me and I saw how he treated her and I wanted that, so i figured i didn’t get treated like they did because I wasn’t his type. Anyway he said that wasn’t the reason and that the reason why he Wouldn’t treat me the beau I wanted to be treated was because he did that for the girls before me and they all broke his heart so he figured maybe that’s the reason he got hurt because he was too nice. His answer genuinely hurt me, but I tried to understand.

The insecurity issues were actually causing me a lot of stress and sadness and I think I may have lowkey gotten depressed for a bit. But the icing on the cake was when I found out he still kept his ex’s nudes on his phone and that he had a whole hidden album on his phone with screenshots of girls bodies or girls he liked who were in swimsuits and stuff and obviously his exe’s nudes and only fans girls. That was the peak of it all and it HURT! Because I look nothing like those girls. They’re all skinny with nice toned bodies and colored eyes w light hair. I have the complete opposite of all of that and I didn’t know how to feel other than hurt and ugly. So I got to over thinking and I figured this is why he doesn’t compliment this is why he told you you were a solid 8/10 and never really bothers to make you feel like the prettiest girl in the world. He even told me once that his ex was a 9/10 like bro 🙃 anyway it got so bad to the point we’re I didn’t want to look at my self in the mirror. I hated the sight of me, especially when it came time to change in my room after taking a shower, I would avoid looking at my self and I would wear the baggiest clothes I had. It took him a while to convince me that those pictures meant nothing, because I wouldn’t believe it, he had held on to them for years and even admitted to looking at them when there was no internet or anything. THE AUDACITY

Anyway he did end up deleting the pictures and started trying to compliment me, I could tell it was awkward or hard for him but now he does it more often and more naturally. But I can’t help to think that it’s only because I’ve told him time and time again that I wanted that and obviously only after the nudes did he start doing it.

I think the nudes thing was getting too close to becoming the last straw, after that I felt numb and ugly and started to want to feel distanced from him. I started to not feel anything towards him, I wasn’t as in love as I was before that and I didn’t hate him. I felt sort of betrayed or cheated on as silly as it may sound. But I didn’t feel anything towards him. Even though things right before that had been great, in fact after our first 4 rough months things got good like really good. And he was trying and he did change and I noticed that, I appreciated it.

Well the other day we were in his car and we were talking about pets and stuff and I told him that I was allergic to cats to the point where I couldn’t really breath, he told me that too bad because he wants a cat, and that if his mom were to pass away before his cat and if we were living together by then that he would bring his cat to live with us wether I liked it or not and that I could take allergy medicine. This upset me and I told him that I didn’t think I could live in a house with cats. Then he said that if that was ever the case and that if I was to make him choose he’d chose the cat over me because it’s his cat that he’s had for over 11 years. And that it’s very important to him, but the cat lives with his mom in another state and he really only sees it once a year maybe twice! He hasn’t lived with that cat in over 7ish years and it’s still more valuable than me, to the point where he would rather loose me than the cat. And I get that sometimes people have a huge amount of love for a pet and I’m not saying his feelings aren’t valid but idk I got upset at this and told him it’s always something over me, school, family or friends and he’s said his priorities changed and that now I’m more important than a lot of things but knowing that a cat is more important to the point where I would have to move out over is sad. (By school I obviously don’t mean his career that should be more important, I mean other things that aren’t going to impose on his career).

I don’t know what to do because I still don’t exactly know how to feel about him anymore, he’s become a lot more affectionate and has really changed for me, and everyone around me sees it but idk I feel like there’s too much dragging from the rough beginning we had and when he says I live you and I say it back I don’t really feel it, and when he kisses me I don’t really feel anything. I don’t know if I should feel something all of the time or if it’s normal especially when it comes to kissing because he’s my first boyfriend. (I’m 21 and I’ve never really dated before him) I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to hurt him because I care about him, please tell me what you think of this whole situation, thank you!!