I need encouragement

I am currently putting myself in a time out. Locked myself in the bathroom.

I'm exhausted. I have a teething baby I'm up all night with nursing and a very energetic bright almost three year old. The baby refuses bottles even when I'm at work. I'm home during the day then husband comes home and I'm at work at night.I come home late and put the kids to bed then try to get things straightened up for the next day. Everyday I am run down even more.

Today it all fell apart with finger painting birthday cards for grandma the toddler emptied the laundry hamper that was clean while I was consoling the baby. I'm not proud I yelled he yelled back and I scared him by the look on his face because I grabbed him and yelled he isn't allowed to yell at me.

I sobbed he was scared of me. I never wanted to be this mom. But I am. I am the mom who is making every meal from scratch because we can't afford groceries and telling the kids they have to eat it and they are hungry and upset because they hate it and they can't understand I can't afford to make them something else we have to have leftovers. I am the mom who grabbed my kid because he got clean clothes covered in paint because it was my fault I couldn't handle the baby crying while I cleaned up. It's my fault I'm so overly exhausted because I have to work so much to pay our medical bills. It's my fault my baby only wants me and my breastmilk and I can't be home every night so he is screaming at his dad.

We can't afford childcare. We make too much for any assistance and not enough to get by. I've been trying so hard to be positive for my husband who is so depressed but I'm I am too. I wanted better for my kids and I am failing them.